Allie's Graduation

This little girl had a big day on Friday. She rocked her preschool graduation! She was so stinkin' cute, I could hardly stand it. She was one of the few kids that wasnt shy to perform and smiled so proudly throughout the whole thing. I was doing great holding back the tears until the teachers gave the kids each a flower to give to their "hero" and she ran straight to me. I bawled like a baby. Her nana and papa and daddy were there and I thought for SURE one of them would get the flower. I was so touched! Then I cried the whole rest of the ceremony lol. I only have a few pics to post b/c all of the others contain close ups of other people's kids and I'm not sure how they'd feel about me posting them!

not usually a "woe is me" kind of girl...but...

So, I'm throwing myself a pity party.  A big one. Being all caught up in my husband's mess, I've put some other things on the backburner that are now coming back forward with a vengeance. Before I get started, my brief disclaimer is that I realize I am not perfect. I realize that NO one is perfect, and I'm typically not one to judge. But for the love of God, can I get ONE reliable person in my life?? Just one??
Hubs is the first case in point, but we already knew that. He let me down, betrayed me...blah blah blah...same ol stuff.
So then my best friend.  Or, former best friend I should say. We have been BFFs for years...but her behavior following this affair had me so riled up, I literally couldnt talk to her anymore.  We are Christian women. (Heck, I thought my husband was a Christian man, but whatev).  Typically, adultery is frowned upon.  So, when she came to me around the same time my husband did saying that she had had an affair with her ex husband, I was horrified.  Not only that, but she was pregnant. And wanted my support.  So here I was, reeling from the reality that my own husband had betrayed me, and she wanted my support as she navigated a pregnancy, conceived with a man who was NOT her current husband. I think her husband knew something was up though because he was less than supportive. (The ex had called him at some point).  She somehow justified her affair and thought her current husband "owed" her...meanwhile, aside from his suspicions, he was pretty much unaware that this baby was not his.  It was disgusting. As much as I wanted to tell him, I stayed out of it. Time went on, I was struggling with this mess in my own life, and she was carrying on, constantly acting like her husband had betrayed HER with his behavior and acting completely justified in what she was doing (trying to pass the baby off as his).  It made me sick. It got to the point where I found her so selfish and deceitful that I could no longer be her friend. Unfortunately, she lost the baby around 10 weeks, but I'm not 100% sure that she actually "lost" it. I think she wanted the issue to go away. That was the last time I spoke with her.  MY husband cheated on me, and she wanted me to help her justify the SAME dispicable behavior!  She had very little sympathy and always wanted to talk about her situation. At least my husband is remorseful and extremely apologetic...she offered none of that to her own!

So then, my family. Let me start by saying I adore them. But, they too have let me down in a way that just hurts my feelings.  (Do I sound like I'm five years old or what??)  My parents had agreed to watch our oldest daughter in the timeframe between when she got out of school and I delivered the baby, so we wouldnt have to pay for her to go to camp. At the last minute, they "forgot" their promise and decided to go to their beach house until the baby comes. This leaves us in the lurch for two weeks, scrambling to find childcare for her.  In the interest of not upsetting them, I kept my mouth shut.  They were also supposed to keep the kids when I was in labor. Well, thats out now too because they are six hours away at the beach, and they've informed me that they will be home right after he is born. 

So people, I am pissed. My husband, my best friend, and my parents have all let me down. I feel like I'm constantly putting on my big girl panties (which, these days, are my huge girl panties) and pulling my stuff together by myself. Its like I can't depend on anyone. The only person I can count on is me, and that sucks. Again, I am not perfect...in fact pretty far from it.  But I have integrity and I am fiercely loyal. I guess it just hurts so much because I never would have treated any of them like this. If I say it, I mean it.  Sigh...

The complete inability to move forward

Well, its six weeks out from when I discovered my husband's affair. Just six.  And yet it feels like an everloving lifetime. Some days are quite normal, proceeding as they always have...and others are downright horrid.  The images of him with another woman (quite vivid since I actually saw pictures-blech), my imagination running rampant, his excuses, therapy, the kids, our lives...its just a huge mess.  I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and I swear even though I know this birth is right around the corner, I really can't bring myself to focus on it. Its like I can't even deal with the thought of adding more chaos to my life when its already quite messed up as it is. Some days, I am super charged with energy, just plowing through things in an effort to forget my reality, and other days...I'm like an old wet mop.

We have been going to counseling regularly, but its really hasnt been helping me much.  We have been delving into HIS issues, and HIS feelings, and we really havent addressed much of mine at all. I feel like it is a colossal waste of time and money. He apologizes often, and has been more helpful and attentive to both me and the kids, but I just dont know if its enough. How do you ever get over this?  No matter how good he is NOW, how do you stop saying, "but he did THAT...he chose HER." On the plus side...he ended it on his own.  He sought therapy on his own. But is that enough?? This has always been a deal breaker for me...until it happened, and now I just dont know. Disrupt all four of my children? Lose the house we built?  Venture out on my own as a single mom? Do I stay for the kids and their stability? Stay in a relationship that I no longer trust or cherish the way I once did? I hear couples can come out of this better than before, but right now its looking pretty bleak. He's trying everything, and I just dont care...I feel complete apathy (along with disgust, hate, hurt, and anger).  Its just not a place I ever expected to be, especially while pregnant. 

I am furious that he's put me in this position. Furious. And I know that its not healthy at all, for me, the baby, or the kids. I just dont know how to move forward and our worthless therapist isnt helping at all. Sigh.

Affair survival?

So, I swear this blog will not become all about my husband's indescretions.  At some point, I will get back to the kids, the crafting...my life.  But for today, its about the affair (I know, again.)  Today was my first individual session with our counselor. It was so weird.  As I'm saying things out loud and watching her face, I realized that things were bad...really really bad. A lot of his behaviors that I had brushed off were actually very abusive, selfish, and immature.  It was really hard hearing someone else's perspective of what was going on.  She even said to me, "I'm not worried about the affair so much as what happened before it."  Ouch.

On the bright side, he is still working hard at being a good husband and father. He really is.  This man...he's different now.  I'd like to think and hope this change is permanent, but honestly, who knows? Only time will tell. I just have to figure out if I want to put the time into it.  I'm 33+ weeks pregnant now and dealing with his affair. Its just surreal.  I've found comfort in a few websites. I'm too lazy to look them up and link them, but if you've found me because of your own husband's infidelity, definately look them up.  Ivillage has boards for betrayed spouses under their "love and sex" category.  I've also looked at Marriage Sherpa a bit.  You can buy their program, but honestly a lot of their information is free right on the site.

So I'm plugging along, day by day.  I think my good moments are outweighing the bad ones at this point, but its only because I force the images out of my head. When I let them in...the images of them together...its just unbearable.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  The thought of them doing things that are reserved for a husband and wife, the though of him disregarding our vows and the life we built together...its so hard to swallow.  I'm starting to understand the WHY...but I dont know if understanding it is the same as accepting it.  I dont know that I'll ever accept it. 

The fallout.

The past few weeks have been absolutely insane. I have spent a great deal of time crying, wallowing, and trying to carry on the best I can.  My patience is short, my attention span is non-existant.  I can't focus on anything. That doesnt mean I'm focused on the affair...my mind is just a complete fog. I have nothing ready for this baby because the weekend I found out was the time I had set aside to get the rooms ready and whatnot.  Now, its like I'm not even pregnant.  This poor little buddy of mine will be sleeping in a dresser drawer if I dont get my act together. 

We've been to marriage counseling several times since D DAY (I've learned this is what the "betrayed spouses" call Discovery Day in the land of adultery).  I like our counselor a lot. She supports both of us, and holds him accountable for his actions without making him feel like a total douche bag.  I'm able to do that all on my own.  I've learned a lot about him, and hopefully he's learned some about me. Its helping. We havent fought AT ALL since that Weekend From Hell.  When things start to get heated, we are able to either calm down or walk away. 

I dont forgive him yet. I know that it is required of me to forgive in order to be forgiven myself, but I'm not there yet.  I may eventually, but it doesnt mean that I have to live with him or trust him again.  (We are still in the same house, different beds).  Every time I think I can move past this, I'm reminded that he turned to her instead of me.  He is extremely remorseful, but seriously, HOW much of this is true?  He's put himself into a support group, and he's attending both private and marriage counseling.  He's trying really really hard to make this right.  I'm just stuck. I see his efforts and IF HE HADNT HAD AN AFFAIR, I'd be really proud of him. 

This "woman" is married with two children of her own.  As a mother, HOW could you put your family at risk like that?? At first, I was dying to tell her husband, but what would that accomplish? I'd destroy the lives of two more children. THAT is not my goal, so I left it alone. She is a stay at home mom...so her husband is going to work every day, earning the money she was spending on her affair.  And I'm pretty sure this wasnt the first as she seemed to have it down pretty good...where to meet, when to meet, and took freakin' pictures of the whole damn thing.  I have to trust that she will be dealt with in time.  I almost feel sorry for her...like she's a pathetic soul.  Unfortunately, she sank her teeth into MY husband and the father of MY children. 

Right now, everything is day to day. Sometimes its minute to minute. I will be just fine and then something will trigger a reaction.  This weekend it was the trip to Target.  Seeing a couple with a new baby being affectionate just broke. my. heart.  I was literally useless for the next two days. My pregnancy is forever tainted by what he did.  This little baby boy is an afterthought at this point because all I can think about is this mess my husband has created.  I HATE THAT. 

Theres a different issue too...what to name him.  We were going to name him after my husband.  I can't do that now, and he doesnt understand.  HOW could I name my precious baby boy after the man who treated me so poorly during my pregnancy and worse, cheated on me??  I dont even know if we will still be married a year from now...I do not want to say my husband's name every time I speak to my son.  I want to name him after a man I respect!! What would you do??  It was hard enough to say he could be in the delivery room, as I really dont think he deserves to be there. 

So, that is where we are today. A lot of therapy, a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of uncertainty about the future.  Never, EVER would I have thought this could happen. 

It was an affair

I didnt know how to go about titling this post without sounding super dramatic...so...this is what it is.  He had an affair. I found out by coming across pictures of them together, in ways that I never ever want to recall.  Supposedly, he ended it about a month before I found out.  This revelation has rocked my world, my faith, my self esteem. 

I wasnt going to post anything about this...this is my family blog after all.  But heres the truth...affairs happen in families. Affairs happen to pregnant women.  They just do, even when its the very very last thing you'd expect your spouse to do.  My husband is extremely remorseful...but is it because he was caught? He even admitted he had no intention of telling me, but he had set into motion counseling for himself long before I found out because he knew something was wrong with himself. 

How though, as the pregnant wife of an adulterer, do you not feel inadequate?  Clearly he saw something in her that he couldnt find in me. He told me that he felt like his life was out of control and that seeing her was a break, a vacation, from the responsibilities of home life.  Wow.  I would LOVE a vacation from my responsibilities. Fortunately, I have morals that keep me from ever ever considering doing what he did. 

He signed us up for marriage counseling immediately after I found out.  I agreed to wait three months before making any major decisions. By then, the baby will be here and hopefully I'll have a clear head.  Right now, I'm on auto-pilot. A few close friends know, mostly those that have experienced this nightmare for themselves.  My husband is doing his very best...he answers all my questions, regardless of how repetitive I'm being or how graphic.  Although it was incredibly awkward, he gave me her phone number and I spoke with her. She confirmed much of what he said and some additional details that I just needed to know. She was clearly put off when he first called because they hadnt spoken in a month. She admits that he was very cold towards her and ended things abruptly. 

Whatever.

It still happened.

Although short lived, this affair feels like it has consumed my life. I dont seem to care much about anything these days. Obviously, the kids know nothing...and the odd thing is my husband and I can speak more calmly than we ever have. We have not had the first argument since I found out. All the kids know is that dad is around more, and they like it. 

I know I'll be posting more about this later. This is about all I can handle for now.  But my advice to any woman who suspects something...trust your gut.  Don't go all crazy sleuth on your man, but if you're genuinely feeling like something is awry, it probably is. 

Theres a reason

Theres a reason I havent been posting.  Something huge has happened in my marriage, in my life and I can't decide how to go about sharing it. Being 8 months pregnant, its hard to even fathom what has happened and no, its not good news (all the children and the baby are fine and hopefully, blissfully unaware of the happenings).  Anyhow, I will post soon once I figure out how to wrap my own head around it all.  If anyone is still hanging around reading, I appreciate it.  I will be sharing my story because I hope it can help someone else...that much I know. I just dont know HOW to share it.  Put it ALL out there?  Skimp the major details? I dont know...