So, while I'm learning to function and the days go on and I dont think about this ALL day, there are these moments where my emotion is so raw and aggravated that its probably not good for me to be around anyone. Today was a day like that. I was MAD. I mean, a mad that I havent been since I first found out. Out of nowhere, I just became straight furious! How DARE he put his selfish needs ahead of his family? How dare he risk the stability and happiness of FOUR kids! How dare he step outside of our marriage and this life we created? What a fool. What a darn fool. I look around at our beautiful children, our beautiful land and the home we created and I just feel sick that he could be surrounded by all these blessings and yet still step out of our lives, lie to me, and betray me and our family.
They say when people have affairs, theres a need that isnt being met by the other spouse. I've really had to take a hard look at myself to figure out what I wasnt providing for him. To be honest, if anyone had the right to step outside, I feel like it should have been me. He was emotionally unavailable, absorbed in his work, and very rarely helped at home or with the kids. It was like we were roomates, but not because I wanted it like that! I feel like he created this lousy situation, and then used it against me to have himself an affair.
Whenever he's on the phone, I immediately feel a tug in my chest...I dont trust him, even though for the most part he lets me look at his phone when I want. I just feel this sick tugging at my heart and I hate it. I hate that I no longer love him the way that I did, and I certainly don't respect him the way that I did. Even when things were bad, they weren't so bad that I didnt think we could recover with help. But throw in the "deal breaker" of him cheating and I'm stuck. I dont know how to process that. I dont know how to get over it, or forgive it. Its like he had so much nerve, so much selfishness...and maybe the fact that I would NEVER have done it to him makes it all the worse.
Thank God for my friends...some are here in my daily life, and some I can really only talk to through emails, but I am blessed to have so much support. They have been so patient as I've flip flopped between "stay" and "go." I still dont know what to do. I dont feel comfortable in my home, shared with a man who lied to me, ignored me, and pushed me aside to fulfill some need HE had... a man who went to be with another woman and then came home and snuggled with our children. Its just disgusting.
So thats where we are today. More good days than bad I guess, but when they are bad, they are really really bad. I'm in a very low place during those moments, the only thing that matters are my children. I'm trying so hard to keep their lives normal. Thankfully, he's more involved with them than he's ever been. They are benefitting in that respect...but will it make it harder if we separate? Its just such a mess.