Friday, October 5, 2012

Update-six months post affair

Six months following the husband's affair, and honestly, it feels like day one. Everyone keeps saying it gets easier with time, but I'm getting madder and madder. There are days when I'm functioning very well, and then BAM!!!! I want to ring his neck out of nowhere.  His efforts have been a roller coaster...sometimes trying, sometimes not.  While he says he understands what I'm going through, he clearly does NOT because I never cheated on him.  He gets upset when he even thinks I'm talking to another man...and I just find that hilarious (and stupid!)  

So, while I'm learning to function and the days go on and I dont think about this ALL day, there are these moments where my emotion is so raw and aggravated that its probably not good for me to be around anyone.  Today was a day like that. I was MAD.  I mean, a mad that I havent been since I first found out.  Out of nowhere, I just became straight furious!  How DARE he put his selfish needs ahead of his family? How dare he risk the stability and happiness of FOUR kids! How dare he step outside of our marriage and this life we created?  What a fool.  What a darn fool.  I look around at our beautiful children, our beautiful land and the home we created and I just feel sick that he could be surrounded by all these blessings and yet still step out of our lives, lie to me, and betray me and our family.  

They say when people have affairs, theres a need that isnt being met by the other spouse.  I've really had to take a hard look at myself to figure out what I wasnt providing for him.  To be honest, if anyone had the right to step outside, I feel like it should have been me. He was emotionally unavailable, absorbed in his work, and very rarely helped at home or with the kids.  It was like we were roomates, but not because I wanted it like that!  I feel like he created this lousy situation, and then used it against me to have himself an affair.

Whenever he's on the phone, I immediately feel a tug in my chest...I dont trust him, even though for the most part he lets me look at his phone when I want.  I just feel this sick tugging at my heart and I hate it.  I hate that I no longer love him the way that I did, and I certainly don't respect him the way that I did. Even when things were bad, they weren't so bad that I didnt think we could recover with help.  But throw in the "deal breaker" of him cheating and I'm stuck. I dont know how to process that. I dont know how to get over it, or forgive it.  Its like he had so much nerve, so much selfishness...and maybe the fact that I would NEVER have done it to him makes it all the worse.  

Thank God for my friends...some are here in my daily life, and some I can really only talk to through emails, but I am blessed to have so much support.  They have been so patient as I've flip flopped between "stay" and "go."  I still dont know what to do.  I dont feel comfortable in my home, shared with a man who lied to me, ignored me, and pushed me aside to fulfill some need HE had... a man who went to be with another woman and then came home and snuggled with our children. Its just disgusting. 

So thats where we are today.  More good days than bad I guess, but when they are bad, they are really really bad.  I'm in a very low place during those moments, the only thing that matters are my children.  I'm trying so hard to keep their lives normal. Thankfully, he's more involved with them than he's ever been.  They are benefitting in that respect...but will it make it harder if we separate?  Its just such a mess.  

11 comments:

  1. Sigh. I can only imagine what you are going through. ((((hugs)))))....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much...never would have dreamed this would happen. I just wish I could figure out what to do.

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  2. Hi Meg, I hope you're well. I think about you from time to time and wonder how you're doing with everything. I'll bet the baby is getting big!!

    I'm passing an award on to you. It's called the Inspiring Blogger Award, and I thought of you b/c of all your work with kids, and also all the honesty with which you write. I hope you'll accept. You can find the details about the award on my blog tomorrow (Sunday).

    Take care....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Anne!! I just read this this morning! I hadn't checked the blog in a year. Thank you for thinking of me...I'm hoping this will be sort of therapeutic to get writing again, and maybe help someone going through the same mess. I need to hop over to your blog and see what y'all have been up to!

      Delete
  3. Hi. I am going through the same exact thing right now! It is so hard and I cannot stand this emotional rollercoaster ride that I am on. It's been 4 months since I found out about my husbands affairs. Yes...i said affairs. He has cheated on me over the past 5 years with 11 different women. 9 of them have been physical affairs. He met them all on that website ashleymadison.com. It's a website for married people to cheat. I just found out about the last one in May and in June he came clean with all that has been going on these past 5 years. I am so heartbroken. He ended everything with the last one. He closed the account on that website and closed the secret bank account that he had to fund it all! We are still together and in marriage counseling. I also started individual counseling and he is waiting to get into his individual counseling. I have my good days and bad days and when I have those bad days.....they can get pretty bad. It can become crippling sometimes. My anxiety is terrible and there are triggers that happen that flash me back to a time of him cheating. It's like I am reliving everything as if it happened yesterday.

    Some days I feel crazy inside. My trust for him is completely gone and I don't know how long it will take to get back, but, I know it will take awhile. It stinks to not trust the person you are supposed to trust the most. So far, I don't think this has gotten any easier than the day I found out. I do try to go on with my life without thinking about it, but that's hard too. I have to try to have days where I don't think. about it.....or at least not let it eat me up inside...because it really makes me feel bad and I just would like to have some days where I feel good and not so sick inside. I do well at times.

    I don't understand how he could do what he did! How could he risk everything?! We have a home and 2 kids. How could he be so selfish?! He didn't think about anyone but himself! I feel like, how could he possibly love me to be able to do that! I had to get tested for all diseases out there! I was so upset and felt so embarrassed! I should not have to worry about that ! We have been together for 19 years and married for 16 years! He was so careless in it all! He went unprotected and put not only himself at risk, but me as well!!! How could he do that?! I just don't understand any of this!

    Thank you for listening. I see it's been a year since you posted your original post. How are things going for you now?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sherry, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Its amazing how we all have the capacity to completely destroy and hurt other people, and yet theres only a select few who actually choose to do it. Theres those few who throw respect, loyalty, responsibility, and love straight to the wind to fulfill their own selfish needs.
      In my case, my husband is a narcissist...which I'll get to in another post. I hope you are able to find peace, and you can always hang out with me here if you need to vent!!

      Delete
  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can`t stop thanking DR Orissa for this Great thing he has done in my life, I am so grateful to him, i was suffering from HIV virus for 9years, after reading the wonderful testimony that people has been sharing about him.i have being on medication and trying looking for cure to my ailment. I went through internet doctors and i contacted a Tradomedical/Traditional doctor named, Dr.Orissa for help. He give me all his rules and regulations,that if he cured me that I should write about him on internet site and i agreed that is what I`m doing now. He assure me that he will cure me with his herbal medicine which he really did, and I`m now completely cured from HIV virus. What will i say rather than thanking him for saving my life. Why suffering in silence when there is remedy to your diseases.Dr Orissa also specialize in curing the following disease: *HIV/Aids *Kidney failure *Arthritis *Diabetes *Hypertension *Stroke *Obesity *Infertility/Impotency *Cancer *Eye Problem *Skin Problem *Fibroid Tumor *Ulcer *Prostate Problem *Asthma *Weight Management*Staphylococcus *Candidie *Low sperm can *Weak erection *Weak ejaculation *Pile *Elephantiasis *Skin Infection *Paralysis. your can contact him via email; orissatemple@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hello, I Like your blog, I wanted to leave a little comment to support you and wish you a good continuation. Wish you best of luck for all your best efforts. Extramarital Affair | Husband and Wife Stories

    ReplyDelete