Monday, June 25, 2012

A baby after infidelity

I'm finding that a few people are searching terms like "husband cheated I'm pregnant" or "can't trust husband" and many other combinations that indicate that women are finding my blog because they've been cheated on or suspect they are.  I'm sure a few of you are wondering how we're getting by so soon after my discovery of his affair, and now with a brand new baby.

I will say...stay away from internet searches. If you have any hope in rebuilding your marriage, do not search for anything unless its positive. There is SO much negative! Its very easy to get caught up in what other people think about your jerk/a-hole/selfish husband.  You already know these need to fuel the fire unless you want to leave, then by all means...pour the gasoline. But if you're like me...on the fence...stay away from the negativity because it can take one of your good days or strong moments, and slam you right back into the turmoil of emotions you felt at the very beginning.

In my case, my husband is owning what he has done.  I still have some very very bad days (in fact, last night was one of them). Its still next to impossible for me to fathom what he's done and how selfish he was.  He constantly says it was a "mistake," but it was a CHOICE. Its always a choice. But, he is working hard to prove his worth at this point.  Some days, it feels good. Other days, I dont care at all.  Its a mixed bag, and it sucks. The worst part is that I didnt cause this. I'm at the mercy of his stupid behavior.  Now I have four kids that will have their lives affected if I decide to go. Its ALL in my hands, and I hate that.  I hate that HIS behavior put me in this place where I have to make a decision. 

I've done a lot of reading on rebuilding, and I've found that a lot of times, peole don't forgive or forget, but they accept what has happened.  I'm not ready for any of that. Its been two months...I can't forgive, forget, accept, even tolerate on some days.  We are still going to therapy, and the addition of this little man of ours has helped some. He's been helpful...more than I can say about the other kids.  He's been involved and pretty attentive.  Is it genuine? Only time will tell. 

I find what he's done absolutely disgraceful.  There is no excuse.  But, are we all human? Do we make mistakes? Do we deserve a second chance?  Thats what I wrestle with every day!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The new man in my life :)

Austin Michael
6/14/2012 (37 weeks)
6lb 10oz
(birth story below)

So, at my 37 week appointment, I was shocked to learn that my normally very very low blood pressure had suddenly become very very high. The dr wanted to admit me immediately, but I convinced her to give me one more day to wrap things up at work and then I'd go in.  By that night, I felt very off...dizzy, woozy, and very high-blood-pressure-y.  We borrowed my father-in-law's BP machine and discovered that my BP was really high...about 180/114.  We called on-call, and they said to come in immediately. After a sleepless night of monitoring, I was told I'd be delivering that day. Four hours into the induction, my BP spiked at 195/120, and the baby was not responding well at all.  My dr (and a million others) came rushing in and informed me the baby was coming out NOW.  

I was SO scared. One of my biggest fears was having a c-section. Surgery scares me, being cut open while AWAKE scares me...but I had no time to think about it.  The baby had to come out immediately. Hubs had just returned from lunch with Ayden, who then had to be ushered into the anesthesiologist's office because there was no one there to watch her and there wasnt time to wait for anyone.  

Once in surgery, everything felt totally it wasn't me this was happening to.  Hubs was very very supportive and reassuring.  It came time to get the baby out, and this is where things get fuzzy.  They made the incision, but when they did, his head wasn't where it was supposed to be (he was trying to come out by his neck!).  He stuck his arm out the hole, and in doing so, turned his entire body around inside me. It ended up taking four people to get him out. When I had all of those people pressing and tugging on me, I started to be able to feel everything and it was extremely painful.  And then came the drugs.  Hubs said the anesthesiologist unloaded his cabinet on me...there was nothing left to give me. I dont remember much after that. I vaguely remember him crying...the NICU team worked on him a bit (but he was fine). 

I didnt really see him until about five hours later. I know I had family in and out during that time, but I dont really remember it. I was pretty much out.  Part of me feels sort of robbed of that initial bonding time...I had it with each of the girls...but I was so sick, that I know the very most important thing was that he was no longer in my body.  I got hooked up to magnesium after his birth, and even though everyone says its horrible, it actually wasnt too bad. It just made me really really really hot.  

The next day, I was able to really see and hold and bond with my little man.  He was fantastic!! He had bruises everywhere from his rough entry.  He had a black eye, bruises down his face and arm. There was some concern for nerve damage in his arm, but it works just fine.  Most of the bruises were gone by the second day.  My blood pressure stayed high throughout my hospital stay, but I was discharged on Sunday anyways. 

So, Sunday night, I was feeling really "off" again. I took my  BP and it was very very high (again!). Hubs and I spent the rest of the night in the ER with our brand new baby.  I was sent home at 230am with different BP medication. It was horrible. Being at an ER with a three day old baby...I was so upset. But, alls well that ends well I guess.  

So, we've been home for another two days. He's doing well..eats like a champ...sleeps ok.  We are LOVING him. He is such a blessing!! I had no idea how much I would adore my little man. We are all completely smitten with him. The girls can't keep their hands off of him, and hubs just stares and stares at him. I had had so many questions during this pregnancy, but I have to trust that God knows what he's doing when he creates these little lives.  

So, I'm off to give the little guy a bath! Having three girls, I had NO idea what a mess those little boy parts can make if you don't pay attention! ;)

Monday, June 11, 2012

Allie's Graduation

This little girl had a big day on Friday. She rocked her preschool graduation! She was so stinkin' cute, I could hardly stand it. She was one of the few kids that wasnt shy to perform and smiled so proudly throughout the whole thing. I was doing great holding back the tears until the teachers gave the kids each a flower to give to their "hero" and she ran straight to me. I bawled like a baby. Her nana and papa and daddy were there and I thought for SURE one of them would get the flower. I was so touched! Then I cried the whole rest of the ceremony lol. I only have a few pics to post b/c all of the others contain close ups of other people's kids and I'm not sure how they'd feel about me posting them!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

not usually a "woe is me" kind of girl...but...

So, I'm throwing myself a pity party.  A big one. Being all caught up in my husband's mess, I've put some other things on the backburner that are now coming back forward with a vengeance. Before I get started, my brief disclaimer is that I realize I am not perfect. I realize that NO one is perfect, and I'm typically not one to judge. But for the love of God, can I get ONE reliable person in my life?? Just one??
Hubs is the first case in point, but we already knew that. He let me down, betrayed me...blah blah blah...same ol stuff.
So then my best friend.  Or, former best friend I should say. We have been BFFs for years...but her behavior following this affair had me so riled up, I literally couldnt talk to her anymore.  We are Christian women. (Heck, I thought my husband was a Christian man, but whatev).  Typically, adultery is frowned upon.  So, when she came to me around the same time my husband did saying that she had had an affair with her ex husband, I was horrified.  Not only that, but she was pregnant. And wanted my support.  So here I was, reeling from the reality that my own husband had betrayed me, and she wanted my support as she navigated a pregnancy, conceived with a man who was NOT her current husband. I think her husband knew something was up though because he was less than supportive. (The ex had called him at some point).  She somehow justified her affair and thought her current husband "owed" her...meanwhile, aside from his suspicions, he was pretty much unaware that this baby was not his.  It was disgusting. As much as I wanted to tell him, I stayed out of it. Time went on, I was struggling with this mess in my own life, and she was carrying on, constantly acting like her husband had betrayed HER with his behavior and acting completely justified in what she was doing (trying to pass the baby off as his).  It made me sick. It got to the point where I found her so selfish and deceitful that I could no longer be her friend. Unfortunately, she lost the baby around 10 weeks, but I'm not 100% sure that she actually "lost" it. I think she wanted the issue to go away. That was the last time I spoke with her.  MY husband cheated on me, and she wanted me to help her justify the SAME dispicable behavior!  She had very little sympathy and always wanted to talk about her situation. At least my husband is remorseful and extremely apologetic...she offered none of that to her own!

So then, my family. Let me start by saying I adore them. But, they too have let me down in a way that just hurts my feelings.  (Do I sound like I'm five years old or what??)  My parents had agreed to watch our oldest daughter in the timeframe between when she got out of school and I delivered the baby, so we wouldnt have to pay for her to go to camp. At the last minute, they "forgot" their promise and decided to go to their beach house until the baby comes. This leaves us in the lurch for two weeks, scrambling to find childcare for her.  In the interest of not upsetting them, I kept my mouth shut.  They were also supposed to keep the kids when I was in labor. Well, thats out now too because they are six hours away at the beach, and they've informed me that they will be home right after he is born. 

So people, I am pissed. My husband, my best friend, and my parents have all let me down. I feel like I'm constantly putting on my big girl panties (which, these days, are my huge girl panties) and pulling my stuff together by myself. Its like I can't depend on anyone. The only person I can count on is me, and that sucks. Again, I am not fact pretty far from it.  But I have integrity and I am fiercely loyal. I guess it just hurts so much because I never would have treated any of them like this. If I say it, I mean it.  Sigh...

Friday, June 1, 2012

The complete inability to move forward

Well, its six weeks out from when I discovered my husband's affair. Just six.  And yet it feels like an everloving lifetime. Some days are quite normal, proceeding as they always have...and others are downright horrid.  The images of him with another woman (quite vivid since I actually saw pictures-blech), my imagination running rampant, his excuses, therapy, the kids, our lives...its just a huge mess.  I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and I swear even though I know this birth is right around the corner, I really can't bring myself to focus on it. Its like I can't even deal with the thought of adding more chaos to my life when its already quite messed up as it is. Some days, I am super charged with energy, just plowing through things in an effort to forget my reality, and other days...I'm like an old wet mop.

We have been going to counseling regularly, but its really hasnt been helping me much.  We have been delving into HIS issues, and HIS feelings, and we really havent addressed much of mine at all. I feel like it is a colossal waste of time and money. He apologizes often, and has been more helpful and attentive to both me and the kids, but I just dont know if its enough. How do you ever get over this?  No matter how good he is NOW, how do you stop saying, "but he did THAT...he chose HER." On the plus side...he ended it on his own.  He sought therapy on his own. But is that enough?? This has always been a deal breaker for me...until it happened, and now I just dont know. Disrupt all four of my children? Lose the house we built?  Venture out on my own as a single mom? Do I stay for the kids and their stability? Stay in a relationship that I no longer trust or cherish the way I once did? I hear couples can come out of this better than before, but right now its looking pretty bleak. He's trying everything, and I just dont care...I feel complete apathy (along with disgust, hate, hurt, and anger).  Its just not a place I ever expected to be, especially while pregnant. 

I am furious that he's put me in this position. Furious. And I know that its not healthy at all, for me, the baby, or the kids. I just dont know how to move forward and our worthless therapist isnt helping at all. Sigh.