Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Enough is enough.

Today was a rough day.  I couldn't focus at work, I couldn't really focus on anything. I had a meeting and found myself walking away from people as they were talking.  I was completely absent from my responsibilities, and thankfully nothing really required that much attention anyways.  We are running into all sorts of bumps along our road to divorce...initially it was the conflict of our county JDR judge (because I work for the county and go before him frequently for "my" foster kids). Then my husband and I couldn't agree at mediation...then the sub-judge gave an outrageous custody ruling that no one was happy he didn't rule at all.  When that finally got ironed out, my husband's lawyer had to have an emergency hysterectomy right before our spousal support court date (last October), and it wasn't rescheduled until next month. Now...his lawyer may have a conflict and may need to withdraw from the case.  So many variables, so many letdowns and stressful days!
Meanwhile, my husband has been having a grand time making my life miserable.  At some point, and maybe this is it...I need to just stop listening to his nonsense.  All advice I've read about divorcing a narcissist says DONT ENGAGE.  Its just so hard not to when you know he's just lying lying lying ALL the time.
The kids have been coming forward with information that is just disturbing.  Yesterday, they said that they saw pictures on my husband's girlfriend's phone of them kissing in various places.  Then they said that he cried and then yelled at them not to tell me.  My six year old stated he told her he could "buy a castle" with all the money he's given me...and she wants to know where the castle is!
I had a long talk with them last night...about their feelings and what he says, and I still don't know how to prepare them for this.  I had to just say that Daddy may say things about me that aren't very nice, or that make you feel weird, but you can always talk about it, and you don't have to listen to it.  I never speak bad about him...and God knows I have plenty to say. I know that whatever I say about him will hurt them more than it could ever hurt him, so I keep my mouth shut.

So at some point today I was reading about Narcissism, victims, PTSD, etc, etc.  I came across Tina Swithin's blog and book "Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle."  I spent hours reading her blog! Then I went to her facebook page and found so many women...just like me. How I've missed this wonderful author and resource during my previous searches, I dont know.  I've downloaded her book on the kindle and plan on reading it. Its reviews on amazon were stellar. Finder her was just what I needed to remind myself that I'm not alone...this mental illness he has IS real, despite the facade he has managed to put on for everyone.

We got into an argument the other night, and I was listening to him speak in his scattered, threatening, non-sensical way.  It scared me because historically, these were the moments that would turn into hours and hours of his screaming at me.  And then it hit me...I can hang up.  Done. I don't HAVE to listen to this. (By that point I'd already listened to too much and was already upset, but the realization was an important one for me...even if it came a little late this time).

I WAS a victim of severe emotional abuse. I was threatened, bullied, cursed, and tortured by his sick mind. WAS.  I have every bit of control to say "I am not a victim any more!" I just have to start believing it I guess.  I do not have my children tonight, which has made today harder, but I will read this book and hopefully find more ways to cope with the constant ups and downs of this mess.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

And exactly one year ago tonight...

was when I found out (for the second time) that my husband was cheating (still).  Exactly one year ago, his girlfriend just found out about  Austin, and I just found out about her. I was SO tempted to text her today to say thank you for the blessing of the TRUTH.  She didn't "steal" my husband...he went willingly.  What the two of them have created is built entirely on lies.   They've convinced themselves that its love, and honestly I really don't care. How can anything be genuine when its entire foundation was built on lies and deceit?  I've reconciled with the fact that she's here to stay, as they both pretend they are married and she's already taken his name.  As long as they show kindness towards each other in front of my children, and are good to them, I can live with their crazy.  

But as for me...I'm free.  So thank you K-----!!   I NEVER ever ever ever have to be with someone who treats me like dirt ever again. I never have to settle for less than I deserve. My children will never see their mother emotionally tormented by a man ever again.  They will never hear the screams, cry in fear, or experience the confusion that was our lives ever again.  We have worked hard this past year- my little team.

A year ago tonight, I was torn with so many feelings...I remember feeling so relieved that I wasn't crazy! That I really DID hear him talking on the phone at night, and that my instincts were 100% on the money!  But the overwhelming feeling of freedom is something I'll never forget.  Sure, I was livid, hurt, betrayed...but I knew at that moment when she told me on the phone, that there was no going back and I would never accept him as my partner ever again.  I knew at that moment that my life was mine again...that I did not have to share another second with him.  I didn't have to trust him, rely on him, love him.  I could LET HIM GO. I could let the marriage go, knowing I'd forgiven him once, tried my best, and it didn't work.

One year down (again), and it has been SO. HARD.  But it is nothing compared to the hell I lived under his thumb.

My only advice...believe them when they show you who they are.  Don't second guess yourself, don't get caught up in emotions...when they show you their true selves, believe it.  You will save yourself a lot of hurt and time.