Saturday, December 24, 2011

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Question for the few people who DO actually read my blog lol....

So I need someone to tell me honestly if this is a no-good, very-bad idea.  On my birth father's condolences page, a few people had written using their full names.  Two women seemed to be very dear friends of his.  Would it be totally INSANE to contact them?  I'd start with my uncle, but after losing his father and brother within two days, I'm not sure he's going to be up to talking with me just yet.

Being all internet savvy, I've already gotten one of the women's phone numbers and address.  What do you think????  The worst that could happen is she says never to call her again...but knowing him and the friends he kept, I doubt that would happen...right? 

I really need advice from people who are not involved with me face-to-face on a daily basis...those friends and family are NOT understanding me right now.  I'm desperate to find out why he died. 

Monday, December 19, 2011

Well, then, how am I supposed to feel?

So, my biological father was buried today.  I desperately wanted to go, but decided 1. it was way too far (over 10 hours), and 2. it probably wouldnt be the best time to drop in on his friends and family, who may or may not even know I exist.  So, as people have been posting pictures of him to his obituary, I've been downloading them to add to my (very small stash) of pictures of him. I didnt realize until looking at one of them that my oldest daughter has his eyes.  She also has his personality, which makes me happy. 
I'm sort of running into this mixed bag of responses and its sort of getting on my nerves.  He was my father, but not my dad.  I adored him, but we didn't have much of a relationship.  I guess I'm hurting mostly because I thought I'd have more time to get to know him, and now if I want to learn anything else, I'm at the mercy of whats left of his family.  I'm sad because the thought of just never really knowing him the way I wish I could have is sort of consuming. I know you can't live with regret, but it still stings. I could have made more of an effort. I could have tried harder. 
He never met my girls.  It was going to be this years Christmas card that introduced him to his fourth grand baby.  But he cared about me.  He checked in on me and the kids.  My birth mother says its her fault that he kept me at arms length.  My adoption supposedly caused him a ton of pain because he had wanted to marry her and raise me.  I guess the thought of being hurt again was always there for him. 
Theres no rule book for this adoption stuff, or how to feel when something like this happens. There are so many adoptees who lose their birth parents before EVER getting to know them at all, and so I'm grateful that I've gotten to see a sliver of his life. 
I'm peeved with my family for not showing any understanding.  They are underestimating the impact this is having on me, and even when I try to explain, they don't get it.  Being adopted is so relationships have to be navigated and felt out.  I just wish I'd known.  Lesson learned...

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Never bought into "when it rains it pours..." but then....

I think its lame to say when it rains it pours.  Thats just screaming negativity in an already difficult circumstance. I've always been the first to believe that God won't give us more than we can handle...and somehow I've managed to trudge through some of the more difficult times, and I'm here...still standing. 

But was a horribly sad and odd day.  I found out my birthfather passed away.  His father died on Thursday, and my father passed away on Friday.  Suspicious? Probably. I may never know what really happened because his family doesn't really acknowledge me.  And up until today, I havent really cared. 

I met my dad when I was 21...what started off horribly awkward soon turned into a cautious friendship.  Due to distance, we didnt see each other for ten years...but we'd send a few letters, Christmas cards, and pictures (he didnt have email) and recently he began texting to check on me.  I just wish I'd known. 

Hubs and I were visiting my grandmother in his home state in August. I wanted to visit with him but we ran out of time and had to return home.  I didnt know.  I thought I'd have more time to work out our relationship.  I'm so sad for this loss, yet at the same time almost don't feel like I have a right to be.  I have no legal right to know what happened to him, or to inquire with his family.  For all I know, his remaining family doesn't know anything about me.  Wouldn't it be a bit awkward if I showed up at his funeral?  I wanted to send flowers, but didn't think it would be appropriate to get the DAUGHTER spray for the funeral home.  I wasnt mentioned in the obituary, which sort of stung because it further drives home that I'm not part of that family, and they dont consider me...anything. 

I'm praying so hard his death was of natural causes.  Its just so ODD that he'd die at such a young age, the day after his father.  I hate to think of his eternal life if he did this to himself...he was a sweet man, with a heart of gold. I wish we'd had the kind of relationship where if something was wrong, he could have called me. 

Being an adoptee is hard.  The biological relationships are so complex and don't just come naturally.  But, we tried...I'm just feeling so guilty that I didnt try hard enough.

Theres so much going on in our lives right it pouring yet? 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Marbie...where aaaaare you?

Oh, with your girlfriend I see.  Marbie...keep your eyes to yourself!!! Naughty elf!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

10 weeks 5 days Santa Baby

This is my speck at 10 weeks and five days...I edited out all the personal stuff. I think its nose looks huge for such a small baby, but the dr said it was just the angle. Speaking of...she's awesome. She snuck me into the ultrasound room, JUST so I could do this. 

So, I havent written much b/c honestly, things are not all that awesome.  I've been sort of disenchanted with the blogs I usually follow, mainly because everyone seems so perfect, and recent events in my own life clearly indicate that I am not.  At this point, I'm not even sure what my future with dh is looking like. I'll give more details after the holidays, but lets just say, I'm kind of sad and extremely stressed out.  Hanging out with me right now probably isn't much fun. I follow several crafting blogs and not only do those moms look adorable 24/7, they have time to hand-sew their kids clothing and create elaborate home-cooked meals every day.  Their homes always look spotless, and their husbands...well they appear to adore them, which is more than I can say for my own dh right now.

I finally broke the news of the baby to my parents, and my friends, and they are all THRILLED.  What a relief!  My parents are so excited, and I'm so grateful because I'm definatley going to need their support.  The kids are aware that theres stuff going on, but we still havent told them. 

So, thats it in a nutshell...sorry to be such a downer.  I'm not sure how to handle whats coming down the pike but I have to trust that it'll be ok. 

Friday, December 2, 2011

Well, hi there.

It has been a while, eh?  Well, first off...the cruise was awesome!! I'm going to post a bunch of pics and our review of the Norwegian Star.  But, not tonight because I'm really really tired!!  Well, I can throw a few pics just for fun. 
It went well...the inlaws are still in the dark about our little speck. I managed to cover up the morning sickness with motion sickness, but honestly it wasnt even bad until the very last day.  That day...sucked. The waves were 12 feet and I couldnt get out of bed.  Our room was SO small. I dont recommend the smallest, interior room to anyone. But, we made do.  The weather was fantastic and we did some awesome stuff like play with monkeys in Honduras and rode mopeds in Belize. I hit Senor Frogs in Costa Maya just because I missed that boat in college, and we chilled at Paradise Beach in Cozumel. Amazing!! Again, more details later.  I missed my baby A something fierce, but she was happy as a clam each time I got to call her (Can't wait to get THAT cellphone bill!) She really had a fantastic time with my parents and I dont think missed us at least not in her concious state.  Apparently she called out for me a few times in her sleep, but during the day was just fine.  Sweet little punkin!

This is the side of the Norwegian Star taken on the day we left...massive! And the experienced cruisers know, this isnt even big compared to so many of the newer ships.
 This is the view of the mail was super small but surprisingly never really over crowded. The girls loved the water slides.
My middle A posing as we were pulling into Honduras

The port in Honduras

This is the place where the girls had monkeys jump on their heads. It was totally awesome. Did you know these monkeys have super soft they are wearing slippers??

 Big A at Senor Frogs in Costa Maya
 You would think this was a sunset, but you'd be wrong! This is the sun RISE on our last day at sea.
 I think this is a walrus. Or something completely inappropriate, but we told the kids it was a walrus.
 Big A getting her first ever beach massage

I can't wait to give details about each stop.  It truly was amazing!