Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Austin Michael
I can not believe how big he is! He's doubled his birth weight. He is an easy, happy little man!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


This past weekend we went to my parents' beach house, sans my husband. It was a nice break.  All the tension I'd been feeling and the weight I'd been living under disappeared for a few days.  The kids had a great time, and the two littles went into the ocean for the first time. Allie, my fearless one, scared the heck out of me with wave diving (she can't swim, but don't tell her that!)  All in all, it went well.  We're home now and back to the daily grind. I go back to work in two weeks, and I'm dreading handing over my baby, but I know he'll be in good hands. Allie is so excited about kindergarten she can hardly stand it...we are officially in countdown mode!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

2 months old

This sweet boy of mine is already two months old!  I did his little photo shoot this morning, but since we are leaving on a trip for the rest of the week, the camera is packed, pictures not yet uploaded.  So, a few pictures off my phone will have to suffice for now.  He's already 11 lbs 10oz (up five pounds since birth) and very very happy.  He's got a great temperament and is really laid back.  Right now, his favorite thing to do is stare at the ceiling fan :)

 Thats a big change from THIS tiny little man from two months ago.  I can not believe how quickly its going!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Even geese mate for life

We have a large pond at our house.  Every year, Canadian geese set up camp and raise a bunch of little baby geese and  its sweet and we love it.  We like to think its the same geese coming back each year, and the girls have lovingly named them Spiderman and Bernadette.  So, this year, as predicted, Spiderman and Bernadette raised a lovely little family in our pond.  One day though, as I was leaving, I noticed this lone goose wandering around our property.  I can't tell the difference between the boys and girls except that Spiderman is extremely aggressive when it comes to protecting his brood, while Bernadette is pretty passive. This goose here, is pretty laid back (in fact, she'd probably let me run over her as she is in no rush to ever leave my driveway...suicidal?  Who knows.) The thing is, geese mate for life...and I'm hoping that some tragic event did not befall our Spiderman, leaving Bernadette to fend for herself.  Every day I see this goose wandering around alone, and it breaks my heart.  (Of course, after looking it up on Animal Planet, it turns out that while geese mate for life, its more often for the selfish reason of proliferation rather than true love...but whatever...they're pretty loyal regardless of their reasoning.)

So of course I'm projecting my own feelings onto this little bird, but I feel like we have a bond.  I'm lonely as heck, even though my husband still lives here.  Even GEESE know that your primary relationship is one you should cherish and protect.  Not that I'm saying they aren't smart and all, but their brains ARE pretty small...and yet they've got the basics of loyalty down pat.

I'm really in an odd place.  I feel very sad, very alone and yet at the same time, pretty damn strong for keeping it together (in public anyways).  My husband no longer understands why I'm still upset and things can't be the way they were.  He's no longer answering all my questions and being patient with me.  So where does that leave things? Most people say that affairs take years to overcome, and he's already "over it," and I'm clearly not.  I look around at our beautiful land...a place we had agreed to raise our children, and know that if I leave, we will both lose it. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I wanted my kids to grow up in the country, to run and explore and have a freedom they couldnt have in the 'burbs.  And here I am, contemplating taking them away from this beautiful place and I hate that I've been put in this position...a position that I must make a decision, whether its stay or go.  I have to make a commitment either way and I dont know what to do.  I didnt CHOOSE to be in this was not MY behavior that landed me here.  And now I have to decide if I can live with a man who betrayed me and who is now no longer "dealing with it," for my children's sake, or move on and maybe find some peace for myself, but at the expense of my children.  I am so confused, and its not getting any easier as time goes on.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Family Reunion and update

This past weekend we went to the bay for a family reunion. We had a GREAT time, which was a huge blessing b/c things have been pretty tense around here. The girls had a blast in the water, and Allie went tubing for the first time! Overall, it was just pretty peaceful and was a much needed respite from the daily drama.

And for the update:  Actually theres nothing much to say. I'm still stuck in limbo. I feel better having spoken to an attorney, but actually taking the plunge and going through with a divorce is a pretty big that I can't take back.  So, before I do it, I want to make sure I've exhausted all my options.  Counseling is sometimes good, sometimes bad. I really dont think he is able to understand how I feel and how what he did effects my attitude towards him. He often acts hurt that I'm not affectionate with him...well, he probably should have thought about that before he was affectionate with someone else.  Therapy is full of emotion and often very intense.  I didnt realize how bad things were until I was forced to say it out loud to a third party. SO, thats where we are.  He's trying most of the time, but I just dont know if its enough. For  now, its literally day to day (or even hour to hour).  The emotions are still very raw and painful....I STILL can't believe he did this.  But, it happened, and somehow I'm going to have to figure out how to just accept that fact because I can't erase it.