Poison

It was said by some wise person on Pinterest, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”   I feel like I have been chugging poison for a while now…and obviously nothing is happening.  When my lawyer’s paralegal repeated that line to me yesterday after yet another setback, I realized how much I anger I was holding on to.  My ex is not a part of my daily life.  I have no fond memories of him, and the kids and I only talk about him when they want to.  However, the decisions he makes continue to affect our lives and it makes it darn near impossible to move on for good.

I found out yesterday that he quit his job.  I had sent an email to his office address requesting he sign the car over before insurance was due on it again. His supervisor emailed me back, telling me he was no longer employed there. I called his boss, hoping he would share some info, which he did.  Turns out, the ex quit on Monday.  I knew he had been demoted, but his ex-girlfriend told me it was due to pornography on his computer.  The boss told me it was due to him never being available. They were tracking his car and he would put in maybe 2-3 hours of work per day and then spend the rest of his day messing around with her.  When they called him on it, he didn’t change the behavior.  He’s worked at this company for 20 years…since he was a teenager.  He’s known the other employees just as long.  His downward spiral is baffling everyone.

If it weren’t for the children, I could care less if he spiraled into complete oblivion.  Take his sex addiction and screw his way across the country. I don’t care.  But when his stupidity and selfishness affect the kids…the anger I feel towards him is straight maddening!  When I confronted him last night at pick-up, he wouldn’t give me any answers. He just said the kids would be covered under COBRA, which makes me think he does NOT have another job lined up. He has not paid the mortgage and child support is due.  He’s lied and told everyone we sold the house and he’s going to live off that money for a while, but we haven’t!

I am scared of this person.  It’s a different scared than it used to be. Before, he was in my home, threatening me, smothering me, intimidating me.  But, outside our home, he was “responsible and hard working.”  Now, he could care less about our home going into foreclosure, he quit his job, he doesn’t care about any of the things that he used to be proud of.  How will this translate to the children? No insurance? No child support?

He’s already done numerous things to endanger the children…will it get worse? I hate this person.  I’m trying to find a part of me that feels pity for him instead…to see that his “addiction” is real, and like any other addict, he is putting his drug of choice (sex) ahead of everything else.  But I don’t understand addiction. I’m not an addict. There is nothing more important to me than my family, and I just can not put addiction up there as a justifiable reason to ruin your life and those of the people around you. 

So I’m angry, and I’m drinking poison, and he is completely unaware. All this emotion I have is a complete waste of energy because the person its aimed at is oblivious to it.  Even if he was aware, he either wouldn’t care, or he would be happy that he’s making me miserable.  I’m trying to will myself not to feel it, trying to negotiate with myself to feel something different.  But I can’t. No amount of reasoning or praying (or medication…) has been able to rid me of this anger.  Many days, it lays dormant, but when he stirs it up, I feel like I go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat.