Friday, August 3, 2012
Even geese mate for life
We have a large pond at our house. Every year, Canadian geese set up camp and raise a bunch of little baby geese and its sweet and we love it. We like to think its the same geese coming back each year, and the girls have lovingly named them Spiderman and Bernadette. So, this year, as predicted, Spiderman and Bernadette raised a lovely little family in our pond. One day though, as I was leaving, I noticed this lone goose wandering around our property. I can't tell the difference between the boys and girls except that Spiderman is extremely aggressive when it comes to protecting his brood, while Bernadette is pretty passive. This goose here, is pretty laid back (in fact, she'd probably let me run over her as she is in no rush to ever leave my driveway...suicidal? Who knows.) The thing is, geese mate for life...and I'm hoping that some tragic event did not befall our Spiderman, leaving Bernadette to fend for herself. Every day I see this goose wandering around alone, and it breaks my heart. (Of course, after looking it up on Animal Planet, it turns out that while geese mate for life, its more often for the selfish reason of proliferation rather than true love...but whatever...they're pretty loyal regardless of their reasoning.)
So of course I'm projecting my own feelings onto this little bird, but I feel like we have a bond. I'm lonely as heck, even though my husband still lives here. Even GEESE know that your primary relationship is one you should cherish and protect. Not that I'm saying they aren't smart and all, but their brains ARE pretty small...and yet they've got the basics of loyalty down pat.
I'm really in an odd place. I feel very sad, very alone and yet at the same time, pretty damn strong for keeping it together (in public anyways). My husband no longer understands why I'm still upset and things can't be the way they were. He's no longer answering all my questions and being patient with me. So where does that leave things? Most people say that affairs take years to overcome, and he's already "over it," and I'm clearly not. I look around at our beautiful land...a place we had agreed to raise our children, and know that if I leave, we will both lose it. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I wanted my kids to grow up in the country, to run and explore and have a freedom they couldnt have in the 'burbs. And here I am, contemplating taking them away from this beautiful place and I hate that I've been put in this position...a position that I must make a decision, whether its stay or go. I have to make a commitment either way and I dont know what to do. I didnt CHOOSE to be in this spot...it was not MY behavior that landed me here. And now I have to decide if I can live with a man who betrayed me and who is now no longer "dealing with it," for my children's sake, or move on and maybe find some peace for myself, but at the expense of my children. I am so confused, and its not getting any easier as time goes on.