Today was a rough day. I couldn't focus at work, I couldn't really focus on anything. I had a meeting and found myself walking away from people as they were talking. I was completely absent from my responsibilities, and thankfully nothing really required that much attention anyways. We are running into all sorts of bumps along our road to divorce...initially it was the conflict of our county JDR judge (because I work for the county and go before him frequently for "my" foster kids). Then my husband and I couldn't agree at mediation...then the sub-judge gave an outrageous custody ruling that no one was happy with...so he didn't rule at all. When that finally got ironed out, my husband's lawyer had to have an emergency hysterectomy right before our spousal support court date (last October), and it wasn't rescheduled until next month. Now...his lawyer may have a conflict and may need to withdraw from the case. So many variables, so many letdowns and stressful days!
Meanwhile, my husband has been having a grand time making my life miserable. At some point, and maybe this is it...I need to just stop listening to his nonsense. All advice I've read about divorcing a narcissist says DONT ENGAGE. Its just so hard not to when you know he's just lying lying lying ALL the time.
The kids have been coming forward with information that is just disturbing. Yesterday, they said that they saw pictures on my husband's girlfriend's phone of them kissing in various places. Then they said that he cried and then yelled at them not to tell me. My six year old stated he told her he could "buy a castle" with all the money he's given me...and she wants to know where the castle is!
I had a long talk with them last night...about their feelings and what he says, and I still don't know how to prepare them for this. I had to just say that Daddy may say things about me that aren't very nice, or that make you feel weird, but you can always talk about it, and you don't have to listen to it. I never speak bad about him...and God knows I have plenty to say. I know that whatever I say about him will hurt them more than it could ever hurt him, so I keep my mouth shut.
So at some point today I was reading about Narcissism, victims, PTSD, etc, etc. I came across Tina Swithin's blog and book "Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle." I spent hours reading her blog! Then I went to her facebook page and found so many women...just like me. How I've missed this wonderful author and resource during my previous searches, I dont know. I've downloaded her book on the kindle and plan on reading it. Its reviews on amazon were stellar. Finder her was just what I needed to remind myself that I'm not alone...this mental illness he has IS real, despite the facade he has managed to put on for everyone.
We got into an argument the other night, and I was listening to him speak in his scattered, threatening, non-sensical way. It scared me because historically, these were the moments that would turn into hours and hours of his screaming at me. And then it hit me...I can hang up. Done. I don't HAVE to listen to this. (By that point I'd already listened to too much and was already upset, but the realization was an important one for me...even if it came a little late this time).
I WAS a victim of severe emotional abuse. I was threatened, bullied, cursed, and tortured by his sick mind. WAS. I have every bit of control to say "I am not a victim any more!" I just have to start believing it I guess. I do not have my children tonight, which has made today harder, but I will read this book and hopefully find more ways to cope with the constant ups and downs of this mess.