Friday, January 6, 2012

Want to know what happened?

OK, so our Christmas was a little more dramatic than I would have liked due to my birthfather's passing.  I finally mustered up the courage to call his brother to find out what happened, and I was horrified for a few seperate reasons.

Turns out, his friends and family didn't know about all.  Not even that there was a possibility of me. That stung. I've known him and communicated with him for ten years and he told no one.  My aunt was the one who answered the phone, and she was like, "is this a joke??" Sigh...I wish.  So after a very awkward introduction, and some feeble attempts at justifying that I was who I said I was, she told me what happened to Jerry.

Turns out, he shot himself.  She explained that my uncle found him the morning after their father died, and that the entire room was contaminated and a clean-up crew had to come.  That piece of information has had me reeling for two weeks now. 

I feel guilty for not trying harder to be in his life. I feel pissed that he did this and took away any chance of a future for our relationship.  I feel so very sorry for him that he thought this was the only way to deal with his pain. 

The weirdest part is, I'll be going about my day, doing normal daily stuff, and out of nowhere, I'll think, "he's dead. He blew his head off."  Sorry for the graphic-ness, but thats literally going through my head all. the. time.  I HATE that he did this. HATE IT. 

So thats the gist of it.  My aunt decided she was not going to tell my uncle about me just yet...maybe in time. Right now he's suffering from his own trauma, and the introduction might be a bit much for him.  I'm ok with that. 

Suicide is not something I understand.  I used to think people who did this were selfish and cowardly.  And then a woman I knew hung herself. She had three daughters, the youngest only 12. She had a teenage daughter who had just had a baby and she needed her own mother.  What demons were in her head that made her do such a horrible thing?  How bad do things have to be before someone sees this as the only way out?  I pray that she and my birth father are at peace, and that God knows their heads weren't right on those days. At this point, praying is all I can do for them...

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