The past few weeks have been absolutely insane. I have spent a great deal of time crying, wallowing, and trying to carry on the best I can. My patience is short, my attention span is non-existant. I can't focus on anything. That doesnt mean I'm focused on the affair...my mind is just a complete fog. I have nothing ready for this baby because the weekend I found out was the time I had set aside to get the rooms ready and whatnot. Now, its like I'm not even pregnant. This poor little buddy of mine will be sleeping in a dresser drawer if I dont get my act together.
We've been to marriage counseling several times since D DAY (I've learned this is what the "betrayed spouses" call Discovery Day in the land of adultery). I like our counselor a lot. She supports both of us, and holds him accountable for his actions without making him feel like a total douche bag. I'm able to do that all on my own. I've learned a lot about him, and hopefully he's learned some about me. Its helping. We havent fought AT ALL since that Weekend From Hell. When things start to get heated, we are able to either calm down or walk away.
I dont forgive him yet. I know that it is required of me to forgive in order to be forgiven myself, but I'm not there yet. I may eventually, but it doesnt mean that I have to live with him or trust him again. (We are still in the same house, different beds). Every time I think I can move past this, I'm reminded that he turned to her instead of me. He is extremely remorseful, but seriously, HOW much of this is true? He's put himself into a support group, and he's attending both private and marriage counseling. He's trying really really hard to make this right. I'm just stuck. I see his efforts and IF HE HADNT HAD AN AFFAIR, I'd be really proud of him.
This "woman" is married with two children of her own. As a mother, HOW could you put your family at risk like that?? At first, I was dying to tell her husband, but what would that accomplish? I'd destroy the lives of two more children. THAT is not my goal, so I left it alone. She is a stay at home mom...so her husband is going to work every day, earning the money she was spending on her affair. And I'm pretty sure this wasnt the first as she seemed to have it down pretty good...where to meet, when to meet, and took freakin' pictures of the whole damn thing. I have to trust that she will be dealt with in time. I almost feel sorry for her...like she's a pathetic soul. Unfortunately, she sank her teeth into MY husband and the father of MY children.
Right now, everything is day to day. Sometimes its minute to minute. I will be just fine and then something will trigger a reaction. This weekend it was the trip to Target. Seeing a couple with a new baby being affectionate just broke. my. heart. I was literally useless for the next two days. My pregnancy is forever tainted by what he did. This little baby boy is an afterthought at this point because all I can think about is this mess my husband has created. I HATE THAT.
Theres a different issue too...what to name him. We were going to name him after my husband. I can't do that now, and he doesnt understand. HOW could I name my precious baby boy after the man who treated me so poorly during my pregnancy and worse, cheated on me?? I dont even know if we will still be married a year from now...I do not want to say my husband's name every time I speak to my son. I want to name him after a man I respect!! What would you do?? It was hard enough to say he could be in the delivery room, as I really dont think he deserves to be there.
So, that is where we are today. A lot of therapy, a lot of unanswered questions, a lot of uncertainty about the future. Never, EVER would I have thought this could happen.