So, I swear this blog will not become all about my husband's indescretions. At some point, I will get back to the kids, the crafting...my life. But for today, its about the affair (I know, again.) Today was my first individual session with our counselor. It was so weird. As I'm saying things out loud and watching her face, I realized that things were bad...really really bad. A lot of his behaviors that I had brushed off were actually very abusive, selfish, and immature. It was really hard hearing someone else's perspective of what was going on. She even said to me, "I'm not worried about the affair so much as what happened before it." Ouch.
On the bright side, he is still working hard at being a good husband and father. He really is. This man...he's different now. I'd like to think and hope this change is permanent, but honestly, who knows? Only time will tell. I just have to figure out if I want to put the time into it. I'm 33+ weeks pregnant now and dealing with his affair. Its just surreal. I've found comfort in a few websites. I'm too lazy to look them up and link them, but if you've found me because of your own husband's infidelity, definately look them up. Ivillage has boards for betrayed spouses under their "love and sex" category. I've also looked at Marriage Sherpa a bit. You can buy their program, but honestly a lot of their information is free right on the site.
So I'm plugging along, day by day. I think my good moments are outweighing the bad ones at this point, but its only because I force the images out of my head. When I let them in...the images of them together...its just unbearable. It makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of them doing things that are reserved for a husband and wife, the though of him disregarding our vows and the life we built together...its so hard to swallow. I'm starting to understand the WHY...but I dont know if understanding it is the same as accepting it. I dont know that I'll ever accept it.