Well, its six weeks out from when I discovered my husband's affair. Just six. And yet it feels like an everloving lifetime. Some days are quite normal, proceeding as they always have...and others are downright horrid. The images of him with another woman (quite vivid since I actually saw pictures-blech), my imagination running rampant, his excuses, therapy, the kids, our lives...its just a huge mess. I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and I swear even though I know this birth is right around the corner, I really can't bring myself to focus on it. Its like I can't even deal with the thought of adding more chaos to my life when its already quite messed up as it is. Some days, I am super charged with energy, just plowing through things in an effort to forget my reality, and other days...I'm like an old wet mop.
We have been going to counseling regularly, but its really hasnt been helping me much. We have been delving into HIS issues, and HIS feelings, and we really havent addressed much of mine at all. I feel like it is a colossal waste of time and money. He apologizes often, and has been more helpful and attentive to both me and the kids, but I just dont know if its enough. How do you ever get over this? No matter how good he is NOW, how do you stop saying, "but he did THAT...he chose HER." On the plus side...he ended it on his own. He sought therapy on his own. But is that enough?? This has always been a deal breaker for me...until it happened, and now I just dont know. Disrupt all four of my children? Lose the house we built? Venture out on my own as a single mom? Do I stay for the kids and their stability? Stay in a relationship that I no longer trust or cherish the way I once did? I hear couples can come out of this better than before, but right now its looking pretty bleak. He's trying everything, and I just dont care...I feel complete apathy (along with disgust, hate, hurt, and anger). Its just not a place I ever expected to be, especially while pregnant.
I am furious that he's put me in this position. Furious. And I know that its not healthy at all, for me, the baby, or the kids. I just dont know how to move forward and our worthless therapist isnt helping at all. Sigh.