I'm finding that a few people are searching terms like "husband cheated I'm pregnant" or "can't trust husband" and many other combinations that indicate that women are finding my blog because they've been cheated on or suspect they are. I'm sure a few of you are wondering how we're getting by so soon after my discovery of his affair, and now with a brand new baby.
I will say...stay away from internet searches. If you have any hope in rebuilding your marriage, do not search for anything unless its positive. There is SO much negative! Its very easy to get caught up in what other people think about your jerk/a-hole/selfish husband. You already know these things...no need to fuel the fire unless you want to leave, then by all means...pour the gasoline. But if you're like me...on the fence...stay away from the negativity because it can take one of your good days or strong moments, and slam you right back into the turmoil of emotions you felt at the very beginning.
In my case, my husband is owning what he has done. I still have some very very bad days (in fact, last night was one of them). Its still next to impossible for me to fathom what he's done and how selfish he was. He constantly says it was a "mistake," but it was a CHOICE. Its always a choice. But, he is working hard to prove his worth at this point. Some days, it feels good. Other days, I dont care at all. Its a mixed bag, and it sucks. The worst part is that I didnt cause this. I'm at the mercy of his stupid behavior. Now I have four kids that will have their lives affected if I decide to go. Its ALL in my hands, and I hate that. I hate that HIS behavior put me in this place where I have to make a decision.
I've done a lot of reading on rebuilding, and I've found that a lot of times, peole don't forgive or forget, but they accept what has happened. I'm not ready for any of that. Its been two months...I can't forgive, forget, accept, even tolerate on some days. We are still going to therapy, and the addition of this little man of ours has helped some. He's been helpful...more than I can say about the other kids. He's been involved and pretty attentive. Is it genuine? Only time will tell.
I find what he's done absolutely disgraceful. There is no excuse. But, are we all human? Do we make mistakes? Do we deserve a second chance? Thats what I wrestle with every day!