Monday, June 25, 2012

A baby after infidelity

I'm finding that a few people are searching terms like "husband cheated I'm pregnant" or "can't trust husband" and many other combinations that indicate that women are finding my blog because they've been cheated on or suspect they are.  I'm sure a few of you are wondering how we're getting by so soon after my discovery of his affair, and now with a brand new baby.

I will say...stay away from internet searches. If you have any hope in rebuilding your marriage, do not search for anything unless its positive. There is SO much negative! Its very easy to get caught up in what other people think about your jerk/a-hole/selfish husband.  You already know these things...no need to fuel the fire unless you want to leave, then by all means...pour the gasoline. But if you're like me...on the fence...stay away from the negativity because it can take one of your good days or strong moments, and slam you right back into the turmoil of emotions you felt at the very beginning.

In my case, my husband is owning what he has done.  I still have some very very bad days (in fact, last night was one of them). Its still next to impossible for me to fathom what he's done and how selfish he was.  He constantly says it was a "mistake," but it was a CHOICE. Its always a choice. But, he is working hard to prove his worth at this point.  Some days, it feels good. Other days, I dont care at all.  Its a mixed bag, and it sucks. The worst part is that I didnt cause this. I'm at the mercy of his stupid behavior.  Now I have four kids that will have their lives affected if I decide to go. Its ALL in my hands, and I hate that.  I hate that HIS behavior put me in this place where I have to make a decision. 

I've done a lot of reading on rebuilding, and I've found that a lot of times, peole don't forgive or forget, but they accept what has happened.  I'm not ready for any of that. Its been two months...I can't forgive, forget, accept, even tolerate on some days.  We are still going to therapy, and the addition of this little man of ours has helped some. He's been helpful...more than I can say about the other kids.  He's been involved and pretty attentive.  Is it genuine? Only time will tell. 

I find what he's done absolutely disgraceful.  There is no excuse.  But, are we all human? Do we make mistakes? Do we deserve a second chance?  Thats what I wrestle with every day!

3 comments:

  1. Maybe i can shed some light one year out....
    My husband fessed up about a year ago to a teo month long e motional affair through e mail and phone conversations. If you knew my husband ....it just has been devastating. He was my prince. But i suppose that is part of the lesson....no one should be perfect to you in that they make no mistakes. I did neglect him...was suing my boss and of course drown myself in motherhood. Our daughter was a little over a year old at the time. Thats when things got so fun and easy so it surprised me that he felt so unloved. I struggle with that the most.....gee i did not really feel loved up all night with a newborn and never a moment to myself. Yet i still needed to give him tons of attention in order for HIM to feel loved ???
    One year later i can tell you this......if you decide to stay, tings can be dramatically better and different from even when you first met. You have learned a new way to overcome something. But what i really learned is that once you make the decision to stay...it is not a free pass to punish him everyday. It is not okay to make him be the worst person alive and rub that in his face everyday. If you decide to stay, that just it...YOUR decision to stay. So from that point on, you have to be a team and recover. I still have to remund myself of that. I still get amgry almost everyday...even though he has worked hard everyday since. Men are just a different species.....that fact helps sometimes.
    The other part of this is that he wants another child badly. He is very honest about that. I wanted a child before all this and actually was trying to tell him the night of discovery. But i have pushed away my maternal wants after this. Now they are stronger than ever and plus he wants it too...along with my very verbal 23 mos old asking for a sibling! On one hand i want to punish him in this way also....no! You cannot have another baby.....but on the other hand why should i punish myself in this way too! And of course my daughter deserves a great , living family including siblings....
    Where are you at now with all of this???

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd love to know the follow up to this situation... I'm in a similar one. We're married and happy, NOW, but just the thought of the past can ruin everything for weeks (not good when ttc...). So maybe I'm not as over it as I seem. We want a baby so bad, but after thinking about the past, it makes me sick to think of him inside me...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't realize anyone was reading this! You can email me at mcand4a@gmail.com if you'd like to talk!!

      Delete