Saturday, July 21, 2012

Free legal advice!!

Found this on pinterest....wish I was that clever...or had that much money to spend on humiliating my husband in public. I'm not really that kind of girl though.  As I'm discussing my situation with friends, I'm finding that I'm loyal to a a dog whose owner kicks him repeatedly.  I keep coming back for more.

SO, I went to an attorney on Monday to figure out what my options were, and since I HAD to spend the $150 for an hour of her time, I will share the information she bestowed upon me for FREE...because sadly there ARE a lot of women finding my blog due to infidelity issues in their marriages.  Disclaimer: I'm not an attorney. I just know a bunch of them.  This is the advice given to me by MY legal representative so don't get all tizzied up if it isnt what you want to hear or if it differs from what your legal representative told you.

Here's the basic rundown in case you missed it.  My husband had an affair this past January through this past March during my 5th through 7th month of pregnancy with our fourth baby. I found out in April. He did NOT spend any of our joint money on this woman (although she spend HER marital money on my husband....this matters, and I'll tell you why in a second).  Although my husband lied and lied and lied for three months, the fact that he didnt spend any of OUR money on the affair is to his advantage. When a spouse spends a significant amount of marital money on their affair partner, it can effect the outcome of the divorce (mainly if this whore's husband were to find out what she did, she may be forced to forfeit alimony b/c she spent a TON of money on my husband...she paid for their dates, hotel rooms, a ski trip, gas, his teeth whitening, etc).  Anyhow!

Ok, so heres the rest:

1. DONT HAVE SEX WITH HIM.  In our state, having sex with your husband after discovering his affair is essentially saying you either forgive or condone what he's done.

2. Trying to go for a "fault" based divorce will probably be about 2x more expensive than no fault. It is difficult to prove an affair (although in my case, quite easy since I have pictures), but at the end of the day, the judges dont care WHY you're getting divorced, they just want to get it over with. Most of the time, equitable distribution will still come into play, so even if he is proven at fault, he's still going to get 50% of everything.

3. Document his and your parenting habits.  The parent who is the primary caregiver is most likely going to get custody.

4. Don't waste energy fighting for the house if you can not maintain or afford it.  This part sucks.  I WANT our house...its my children's home. But, we have a ton of acreage and I can't keep up with it! I also won't be able to get a loan to buy out his half of the equity on my salary.  Be realistic.

5. Dont waste your lawyer's time and your money talking about why. They dont care. (Again, this lawyer is my colleague so she can be pretty blunt with me). You can spend up to $300 boo hooing about whats going on, but have you accomplished anything? No. And now you're out several hundred bucks. Give them the details they need. Do some of the legwork yourself. You'll save a few bucks. Get a therapist if you need to is not your lawyers job to make you feel better.  (I did!)

6. Many divorces can be handled through mediation if both parties can manage to be in the same room together. Again, this saves a LOT of money. If you can maintain civility during the process, you may save yourself several thousand dollars. Then again, if something is worth fighting for and he's being a d-bag, well then some things just have to go to court.

So, thats about all I remember. I made the mistake of wasting a bunch of time with "the details" that didnt really matter (hence #5).  If I go through with this, the retainer alone will be $2500.  This whole situation SUCKS.  I thought I'd be willing to rebuild our marriage, but the more time goes on, the less patient he is when I need to talk about things.  He wants to forget it all ever happened and move forward. He doesnt understand why I cringe when he comes near me (I'm not doing it for effect, its an actual reflex).  The less patient he is with me, the more resistant I am to working things out, and the less willing he is to talk...its a vicious cycle.  He tells me I "need" to trust him, and obviously my response is "WHY SHOULD I?"  So, we are in limbo.  And counseling.

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