Poison

It was said by some wise person on Pinterest, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”   I feel like I have been chugging poison for a while now…and obviously nothing is happening.  When my lawyer’s paralegal repeated that line to me yesterday after yet another setback, I realized how much I anger I was holding on to.  My ex is not a part of my daily life.  I have no fond memories of him, and the kids and I only talk about him when they want to.  However, the decisions he makes continue to affect our lives and it makes it darn near impossible to move on for good.

I found out yesterday that he quit his job.  I had sent an email to his office address requesting he sign the car over before insurance was due on it again. His supervisor emailed me back, telling me he was no longer employed there. I called his boss, hoping he would share some info, which he did.  Turns out, the ex quit on Monday.  I knew he had been demoted, but his ex-girlfriend told me it was due to pornography on his computer.  The boss told me it was due to him never being available. They were tracking his car and he would put in maybe 2-3 hours of work per day and then spend the rest of his day messing around with her.  When they called him on it, he didn’t change the behavior.  He’s worked at this company for 20 years…since he was a teenager.  He’s known the other employees just as long.  His downward spiral is baffling everyone.

If it weren’t for the children, I could care less if he spiraled into complete oblivion.  Take his sex addiction and screw his way across the country. I don’t care.  But when his stupidity and selfishness affect the kids…the anger I feel towards him is straight maddening!  When I confronted him last night at pick-up, he wouldn’t give me any answers. He just said the kids would be covered under COBRA, which makes me think he does NOT have another job lined up. He has not paid the mortgage and child support is due.  He’s lied and told everyone we sold the house and he’s going to live off that money for a while, but we haven’t!

I am scared of this person.  It’s a different scared than it used to be. Before, he was in my home, threatening me, smothering me, intimidating me.  But, outside our home, he was “responsible and hard working.”  Now, he could care less about our home going into foreclosure, he quit his job, he doesn’t care about any of the things that he used to be proud of.  How will this translate to the children? No insurance? No child support?

He’s already done numerous things to endanger the children…will it get worse? I hate this person.  I’m trying to find a part of me that feels pity for him instead…to see that his “addiction” is real, and like any other addict, he is putting his drug of choice (sex) ahead of everything else.  But I don’t understand addiction. I’m not an addict. There is nothing more important to me than my family, and I just can not put addiction up there as a justifiable reason to ruin your life and those of the people around you. 

So I’m angry, and I’m drinking poison, and he is completely unaware. All this emotion I have is a complete waste of energy because the person its aimed at is oblivious to it.  Even if he was aware, he either wouldn’t care, or he would be happy that he’s making me miserable.  I’m trying to will myself not to feel it, trying to negotiate with myself to feel something different.  But I can’t. No amount of reasoning or praying (or medication…) has been able to rid me of this anger.  Many days, it lays dormant, but when he stirs it up, I feel like I go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat. 

 

Because they are awesome

My world...

Update

We are a year and a half into our divorce, and while not much has changed, SO much has happened.  Some of it mundane, typical divorce-y stuff, some of it the juicy, yet horrific details that you are drawn to like a bad accident. 

Turns out, I got to witness karma at its finest.  On one very eery day this past spring, I happened to run into my husband at the gas station. I let the kids say hello, and then he attempted conversation with me. He attempted to act human…attempted.  Remember, this man is not human in the sense that he actually cares about people or feels sorry or has empathy.  EVERY act, every word, is a means to an end on his secret agenda.  So lets put a pin in that and fast forward about five minutes.

I’m driving towards home, when his girlfriend calls me.  She knew I had been with him at the gas station because she could hear our conversation on the spyware she’d installed on his phone.  He didn’t realize that it picked up ALL sounds, whether he was on the phone or not. Creepy…

Anyhow! What led her to this call was that he had cheated on her.  With 12 women. He had betrayed this woman…the “love of his life,” not just once, but over and over and over…

What she revealed to me was that he was a sex addict.  Shocker. She told me that they had been in counseling for months, and he had revealed that he had cheated on me with at least 39 women (ew ew ew….no worries,of course I was tested and all was clear).   He used his parenting time to screen new prospects he met on the internet because that is the only time she wouldn’t suspect anything. (I remember the kids coming home saying “we met daddy’s new friend and her son/daughter/dog/whatever).  Not in a million years would I have guessed that after he tucked the kids into bed those nights, that he was sneaking off to meet these women at a local restaurant.  Even after his girlfriend busted him on that, he continued to do it.  Apparently it is an addiction because he can’t stop to save himself.  He paid her (yep, PAID her) $1000 and let her put spyware on his phone a few months back to show how sincerely sorry he was. He said if he ever cheated again, she could keep the money. Well, guess who’s going shopping?

She had finally reached her breaking point when one day near Easter, she left him for a few hours to dye Easter eggs with her daughter and she busted him on this nifty spyware trying to get a booty call from two other women. Lucky for me, I got to sort of sit back and watch the fireworks as the drama unfolded.  She did all the things I couldn’t bring myself to do…out him to all his family and friends.  She told anyone who would listen.  And there it was…all the sordid details, and I didn’t have to say a word. 

When she was done, she went home to her husband.  Sick people. They deserved each other.

It was around this time that I discovered my husband had taken my children on a “chase” of sorts.  When the girlfriend went missing one day, he used her Iphone to track her down.  He then went to a stranger’s house and threatened the guy that lived there.  My children were terrified. No one realized they were in the car until a bit later when he was frantically calling her best friend and the friend called his girlfriend to tell her the kids were with him and she had to do something to make him stop.  And when she did leave, my husband was at the edge of the neighborhood, waiting for her. My children were so scared, and it was like he couldn’t even hear them. He parked in the middle of an intersection and left them there to go to her car. 

Right now, we are working on modifying the court order to initiate supervised visitation.  So many things have happened that children should never be witness to. I have been in closer contact with his parents so that they are aware to keep an eye on things.  This is just scratching the surface of the events that unfolded over the past six months. My two oldest are in therapy and I’m working on the third one.

When I found out how much and how often he cheated on me, it didn’t bother me a bit. It drove home that it wasn’t me…it was him.  The marriage failed, and was doomed to fail.  There was never going to be a fix for this.  But, when I found out the details of what he’s put my children through…that goes straight to my heart.  How dare he! How dare he ignore their cries and pleas to stop!? How dare he ignore them when they say they are scared of him?

So, apparently since the breakup, he has found God again. I’ve decided that the whole, “suave, sex-addicted businessman” thing didn’t work out for him (he got demoted because of pornography on his computer and abusing company privileges), so now he’s trying out the “wounded sex-addict  in recovery who attends church and listens to the Bible in the car” role.  We are Christians.  But him stepping into church makes him no more a Christian than me stepping into a garage makes me a mechanic.  He is all fake. Every ounce of his being is fake.

All that said, the kids are ok.  They are very open, and their counselors have suggested that I not cover for him anymore, but let them explore what they believe to be the truth.  The ironic part is, he has said to them, “believe what you see, not what you hear.”  Well, what they have seen are pictures on his phone of him on vacation in various locations, without them.  What they have seen is his crazy, erratic behavior. What they have seen is him lying to them.

The advice people have given is true. “His true colors will shine, give it time.” “The kids will pick up on this faster than you think.” “The truth will win.”  It was all true, it just took time. 

 

 

 

Moving out and on

So, its been a while.  I no longer have internet access at home, since we moved.  My move had been planned for a while. I built a small house with my parents’ help and was supposed to be moving this past weekend.  However, I came home one day a few weeks ago to my husband, his father, and his friend clearing out some of the furniture in the old house. I was petrified. I had changed the locks…HOW did he get in?  I called the police thinking that our original order that stated he couldn’t come into the home would be enforced…turns out our later custody order trumped that one…which means he’s been coming in and out of the house for the past ten months at will, without me knowing.  I’d had an idea he’d been in there…things would  be moved, I could literally smell him at times, yet I had no proof and chalked it up to paranoia. 

Our court order required a 30 day notice with any intent to move. We were two weeks into my notice when this happened. I felt extremely unsafe, and my lawyer said to go ahead and move the children since he continued to come and go when I wasn’t home, removing things each time. It was very unsettling…I understood that legally the house was still his, but for the time being, I had felt semi-safe there.

So, Monday morning I went to work thinking I’d be going home that night, and by Monday night, I was moved into my new house. It was very quick, unexpected, and I’m sure there will be legal hell to pay for violating the 30 day rule.  I’ve spend the past couple of weeks going between the houses, cleaning (until he took the vacuum), and packing and organizing whats left.  Yesterday was the last day I plan on going in that house.  It was so bittersweet…it was my “dream home,” and yet it was filled with so many horrible memories that I wanted to RUN from it.  Every detail I had planned, every furnishing I had picked…now just a part of the past.  I had imagined my grandchildren would visit me there, and we’d fish down at our pond. When my husband proposed on the knoll that later became our front porch, I never would have dreamed this is how things would turn out.

We have to work out the financial pieces of whats left…and he has been extremely uncooperative in that aspect. We have our spousal support hearing today, and he’s acting like that’s the deciding factor in whether or not he can buy me out of the house.  He’s had over a year to figure it out, and left me hanging.  This entire year, our house could have been on the market. 

Its been an adjustment…we don’t have cable or internet anymore…finances don’t allow for these “luxuries.”  Our new little house is wonderful, albeit underfurnished.  I’ve learned very quickly that I really didn’t NEED most of the stuff we had.  Each child has a bed, which is the most important thing. 

If you read this today, please pray that court goes well.  I’m a nervous wreck. 

 

Enough is enough.

Today was a rough day.  I couldn't focus at work, I couldn't really focus on anything. I had a meeting and found myself walking away from people as they were talking.  I was completely absent from my responsibilities, and thankfully nothing really required that much attention anyways.  We are running into all sorts of bumps along our road to divorce...initially it was the conflict of our county JDR judge (because I work for the county and go before him frequently for "my" foster kids). Then my husband and I couldn't agree at mediation...then the sub-judge gave an outrageous custody ruling that no one was happy with...so he didn't rule at all.  When that finally got ironed out, my husband's lawyer had to have an emergency hysterectomy right before our spousal support court date (last October), and it wasn't rescheduled until next month. Now...his lawyer may have a conflict and may need to withdraw from the case.  So many variables, so many letdowns and stressful days!
Meanwhile, my husband has been having a grand time making my life miserable.  At some point, and maybe this is it...I need to just stop listening to his nonsense.  All advice I've read about divorcing a narcissist says DONT ENGAGE.  Its just so hard not to when you know he's just lying lying lying ALL the time.
The kids have been coming forward with information that is just disturbing.  Yesterday, they said that they saw pictures on my husband's girlfriend's phone of them kissing in various places.  Then they said that he cried and then yelled at them not to tell me.  My six year old stated he told her he could "buy a castle" with all the money he's given me...and she wants to know where the castle is!
I had a long talk with them last night...about their feelings and what he says, and I still don't know how to prepare them for this.  I had to just say that Daddy may say things about me that aren't very nice, or that make you feel weird, but you can always talk about it, and you don't have to listen to it.  I never speak bad about him...and God knows I have plenty to say. I know that whatever I say about him will hurt them more than it could ever hurt him, so I keep my mouth shut.

So at some point today I was reading about Narcissism, victims, PTSD, etc, etc.  I came across Tina Swithin's blog and book "Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle."  I spent hours reading her blog! Then I went to her facebook page and found so many women...just like me. How I've missed this wonderful author and resource during my previous searches, I dont know.  I've downloaded her book on the kindle and plan on reading it. Its reviews on amazon were stellar. Finder her was just what I needed to remind myself that I'm not alone...this mental illness he has IS real, despite the facade he has managed to put on for everyone.

We got into an argument the other night, and I was listening to him speak in his scattered, threatening, non-sensical way.  It scared me because historically, these were the moments that would turn into hours and hours of his screaming at me.  And then it hit me...I can hang up.  Done. I don't HAVE to listen to this. (By that point I'd already listened to too much and was already upset, but the realization was an important one for me...even if it came a little late this time).

I WAS a victim of severe emotional abuse. I was threatened, bullied, cursed, and tortured by his sick mind. WAS.  I have every bit of control to say "I am not a victim any more!" I just have to start believing it I guess.  I do not have my children tonight, which has made today harder, but I will read this book and hopefully find more ways to cope with the constant ups and downs of this mess.

And exactly one year ago tonight...

was when I found out (for the second time) that my husband was cheating (still).  Exactly one year ago, his girlfriend just found out about  Austin, and I just found out about her. I was SO tempted to text her today to say thank you for the blessing of the TRUTH.  She didn't "steal" my husband...he went willingly.  What the two of them have created is built entirely on lies.   They've convinced themselves that its love, and honestly I really don't care. How can anything be genuine when its entire foundation was built on lies and deceit?  I've reconciled with the fact that she's here to stay, as they both pretend they are married and she's already taken his name.  As long as they show kindness towards each other in front of my children, and are good to them, I can live with their crazy.  

But as for me...I'm free.  So thank you K-----!!   I NEVER ever ever ever have to be with someone who treats me like dirt ever again. I never have to settle for less than I deserve. My children will never see their mother emotionally tormented by a man ever again.  They will never hear the screams, cry in fear, or experience the confusion that was our lives ever again.  We have worked hard this past year- my little team.

A year ago tonight, I was torn with so many feelings...I remember feeling so relieved that I wasn't crazy! That I really DID hear him talking on the phone at night, and that my instincts were 100% on the money!  But the overwhelming feeling of freedom is something I'll never forget.  Sure, I was livid, hurt, betrayed...but I knew at that moment when she told me on the phone, that there was no going back and I would never accept him as my partner ever again.  I knew at that moment that my life was mine again...that I did not have to share another second with him.  I didn't have to trust him, rely on him, love him.  I could LET HIM GO. I could let the marriage go, knowing I'd forgiven him once, tried my best, and it didn't work.

One year down (again), and it has been SO. HARD.  But it is nothing compared to the hell I lived under his thumb.

My only advice...believe them when they show you who they are.  Don't second guess yourself, don't get caught up in emotions...when they show you their true selves, believe it.  You will save yourself a lot of hurt and time.