So, my biological father was buried today. I desperately wanted to go, but decided 1. it was way too far (over 10 hours), and 2. it probably wouldnt be the best time to drop in on his friends and family, who may or may not even know I exist. So, as people have been posting pictures of him to his obituary, I've been downloading them to add to my (very small stash) of pictures of him. I didnt realize until looking at one of them that my oldest daughter has his eyes. She also has his personality, which makes me happy.
He never met my girls. It was going to be this years Christmas card that introduced him to his fourth grand baby. But he cared about me. He checked in on me and the kids. My birth mother says its her fault that he kept me at arms length. My adoption supposedly caused him a ton of pain because he had wanted to marry her and raise me. I guess the thought of being hurt again was always there for him.
Theres no rule book for this adoption stuff, or how to feel when something like this happens. There are so many adoptees who lose their birth parents before EVER getting to know them at all, and so I'm grateful that I've gotten to see a sliver of his life.
I'm peeved with my family for not showing any understanding. They are underestimating the impact this is having on me, and even when I try to explain, they don't get it. Being adopted is so strange...bio relationships have to be navigated and felt out. I just wish I'd known. Lesson learned...