Monday, December 19, 2011

Well, then, how am I supposed to feel?

So, my biological father was buried today.  I desperately wanted to go, but decided 1. it was way too far (over 10 hours), and 2. it probably wouldnt be the best time to drop in on his friends and family, who may or may not even know I exist.  So, as people have been posting pictures of him to his obituary, I've been downloading them to add to my (very small stash) of pictures of him. I didnt realize until looking at one of them that my oldest daughter has his eyes.  She also has his personality, which makes me happy. 
I'm sort of running into this mixed bag of responses and its sort of getting on my nerves.  He was my father, but not my dad.  I adored him, but we didn't have much of a relationship.  I guess I'm hurting mostly because I thought I'd have more time to get to know him, and now if I want to learn anything else, I'm at the mercy of whats left of his family.  I'm sad because the thought of just never really knowing him the way I wish I could have is sort of consuming. I know you can't live with regret, but it still stings. I could have made more of an effort. I could have tried harder. 
He never met my girls.  It was going to be this years Christmas card that introduced him to his fourth grand baby.  But he cared about me.  He checked in on me and the kids.  My birth mother says its her fault that he kept me at arms length.  My adoption supposedly caused him a ton of pain because he had wanted to marry her and raise me.  I guess the thought of being hurt again was always there for him. 
Theres no rule book for this adoption stuff, or how to feel when something like this happens. There are so many adoptees who lose their birth parents before EVER getting to know them at all, and so I'm grateful that I've gotten to see a sliver of his life. 
I'm peeved with my family for not showing any understanding.  They are underestimating the impact this is having on me, and even when I try to explain, they don't get it.  Being adopted is so relationships have to be navigated and felt out.  I just wish I'd known.  Lesson learned...

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