Saturday, December 17, 2011

Never bought into "when it rains it pours..." but then....

I think its lame to say when it rains it pours.  Thats just screaming negativity in an already difficult circumstance. I've always been the first to believe that God won't give us more than we can handle...and somehow I've managed to trudge through some of the more difficult times, and I'm here...still standing. 

But was a horribly sad and odd day.  I found out my birthfather passed away.  His father died on Thursday, and my father passed away on Friday.  Suspicious? Probably. I may never know what really happened because his family doesn't really acknowledge me.  And up until today, I havent really cared. 

I met my dad when I was 21...what started off horribly awkward soon turned into a cautious friendship.  Due to distance, we didnt see each other for ten years...but we'd send a few letters, Christmas cards, and pictures (he didnt have email) and recently he began texting to check on me.  I just wish I'd known. 

Hubs and I were visiting my grandmother in his home state in August. I wanted to visit with him but we ran out of time and had to return home.  I didnt know.  I thought I'd have more time to work out our relationship.  I'm so sad for this loss, yet at the same time almost don't feel like I have a right to be.  I have no legal right to know what happened to him, or to inquire with his family.  For all I know, his remaining family doesn't know anything about me.  Wouldn't it be a bit awkward if I showed up at his funeral?  I wanted to send flowers, but didn't think it would be appropriate to get the DAUGHTER spray for the funeral home.  I wasnt mentioned in the obituary, which sort of stung because it further drives home that I'm not part of that family, and they dont consider me...anything. 

I'm praying so hard his death was of natural causes.  Its just so ODD that he'd die at such a young age, the day after his father.  I hate to think of his eternal life if he did this to himself...he was a sweet man, with a heart of gold. I wish we'd had the kind of relationship where if something was wrong, he could have called me. 

Being an adoptee is hard.  The biological relationships are so complex and don't just come naturally.  But, we tried...I'm just feeling so guilty that I didnt try hard enough.

Theres so much going on in our lives right it pouring yet? 

1 comment:

  1. Prayers, Meg. Sorry for all the emotional turmoil this must be creating for you.