progression

Austin Michael
I can not believe how big he is! He's doubled his birth weight. He is an easy, happy little man!

Getaway

This past weekend we went to my parents' beach house, sans my husband. It was a nice break.  All the tension I'd been feeling and the weight I'd been living under disappeared for a few days.  The kids had a great time, and the two littles went into the ocean for the first time. Allie, my fearless one, scared the heck out of me with wave diving (she can't swim, but don't tell her that!)  All in all, it went well.  We're home now and back to the daily grind. I go back to work in two weeks, and I'm dreading handing over my baby, but I know he'll be in good hands. Allie is so excited about kindergarten she can hardly stand it...we are officially in countdown mode!

2 months old

This sweet boy of mine is already two months old!  I did his little photo shoot this morning, but since we are leaving on a trip for the rest of the week, the camera is packed, pictures not yet uploaded.  So, a few pictures off my phone will have to suffice for now.  He's already 11 lbs 10oz (up five pounds since birth) and very very happy.  He's got a great temperament and is really laid back.  Right now, his favorite thing to do is stare at the ceiling fan :)

 Thats a big change from THIS tiny little man from two months ago.  I can not believe how quickly its going!

Even geese mate for life

We have a large pond at our house.  Every year, Canadian geese set up camp and raise a bunch of little baby geese and  its sweet and we love it.  We like to think its the same geese coming back each year, and the girls have lovingly named them Spiderman and Bernadette.  So, this year, as predicted, Spiderman and Bernadette raised a lovely little family in our pond.  One day though, as I was leaving, I noticed this lone goose wandering around our property.  I can't tell the difference between the boys and girls except that Spiderman is extremely aggressive when it comes to protecting his brood, while Bernadette is pretty passive. This goose here, is pretty laid back (in fact, she'd probably let me run over her as she is in no rush to ever leave my driveway...suicidal?  Who knows.) The thing is, geese mate for life...and I'm hoping that some tragic event did not befall our Spiderman, leaving Bernadette to fend for herself.  Every day I see this goose wandering around alone, and it breaks my heart.  (Of course, after looking it up on Animal Planet, it turns out that while geese mate for life, its more often for the selfish reason of proliferation rather than true love...but whatever...they're pretty loyal regardless of their reasoning.)

So of course I'm projecting my own feelings onto this little bird, but I feel like we have a bond.  I'm lonely as heck, even though my husband still lives here.  Even GEESE know that your primary relationship is one you should cherish and protect.  Not that I'm saying they aren't smart and all, but their brains ARE pretty small...and yet they've got the basics of loyalty down pat.

I'm really in an odd place.  I feel very sad, very alone and yet at the same time, pretty damn strong for keeping it together (in public anyways).  My husband no longer understands why I'm still upset and things can't be the way they were.  He's no longer answering all my questions and being patient with me.  So where does that leave things? Most people say that affairs take years to overcome, and he's already "over it," and I'm clearly not.  I look around at our beautiful land...a place we had agreed to raise our children, and know that if I leave, we will both lose it. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I wanted my kids to grow up in the country, to run and explore and have a freedom they couldnt have in the 'burbs.  And here I am, contemplating taking them away from this beautiful place and I hate that I've been put in this position...a position that I must make a decision, whether its stay or go.  I have to make a commitment either way and I dont know what to do.  I didnt CHOOSE to be in this spot...it was not MY behavior that landed me here.  And now I have to decide if I can live with a man who betrayed me and who is now no longer "dealing with it," for my children's sake, or move on and maybe find some peace for myself, but at the expense of my children.  I am so confused, and its not getting any easier as time goes on.

Family Reunion and update

This past weekend we went to the bay for a family reunion. We had a GREAT time, which was a huge blessing b/c things have been pretty tense around here. The girls had a blast in the water, and Allie went tubing for the first time! Overall, it was just pretty peaceful and was a much needed respite from the daily drama.

And for the update:  Actually theres nothing much to say. I'm still stuck in limbo. I feel better having spoken to an attorney, but actually taking the plunge and going through with a divorce is a pretty big step...one that I can't take back.  So, before I do it, I want to make sure I've exhausted all my options.  Counseling is sometimes good, sometimes bad. I really dont think he is able to understand how I feel and how what he did effects my attitude towards him. He often acts hurt that I'm not affectionate with him...well, he probably should have thought about that before he was affectionate with someone else.  Therapy is full of emotion and often very intense.  I didnt realize how bad things were until I was forced to say it out loud to a third party. SO, thats where we are.  He's trying most of the time, but I just dont know if its enough. For  now, its literally day to day (or even hour to hour).  The emotions are still very raw and painful....I STILL can't believe he did this.  But, it happened, and somehow I'm going to have to figure out how to just accept that fact because I can't erase it.

Free legal advice!!

Found this on pinterest....wish I was that clever...or had that much money to spend on humiliating my husband in public. I'm not really that kind of girl though.  As I'm discussing my situation with friends, I'm finding that I'm loyal to a fault...like a dog whose owner kicks him repeatedly.  I keep coming back for more.

SO, I went to an attorney on Monday to figure out what my options were, and since I HAD to spend the $150 for an hour of her time, I will share the information she bestowed upon me for FREE...because sadly there ARE a lot of women finding my blog due to infidelity issues in their marriages.  Disclaimer: I'm not an attorney. I just know a bunch of them.  This is the advice given to me by MY legal representative so don't get all tizzied up if it isnt what you want to hear or if it differs from what your legal representative told you.

Here's the basic rundown in case you missed it.  My husband had an affair this past January through this past March during my 5th through 7th month of pregnancy with our fourth baby. I found out in April. He did NOT spend any of our joint money on this woman (although she spend HER marital money on my husband....this matters, and I'll tell you why in a second).  Although my husband lied and lied and lied for three months, the fact that he didnt spend any of OUR money on the affair is to his advantage. When a spouse spends a significant amount of marital money on their affair partner, it can effect the outcome of the divorce (mainly alimony...so if this whore's husband were to find out what she did, she may be forced to forfeit alimony b/c she spent a TON of money on my husband...she paid for their dates, hotel rooms, a ski trip, gas, his teeth whitening, etc).  Anyhow!

Ok, so heres the rest:

1. DONT HAVE SEX WITH HIM.  In our state, having sex with your husband after discovering his affair is essentially saying you either forgive or condone what he's done.

2. Trying to go for a "fault" based divorce will probably be about 2x more expensive than no fault. It is difficult to prove an affair (although in my case, quite easy since I have pictures), but at the end of the day, the judges dont care WHY you're getting divorced, they just want to get it over with. Most of the time, equitable distribution will still come into play, so even if he is proven at fault, he's still going to get 50% of everything.

3. Document his and your parenting habits.  The parent who is the primary caregiver is most likely going to get custody.

4. Don't waste energy fighting for the house if you can not maintain or afford it.  This part sucks.  I WANT our house...its my children's home. But, we have a ton of acreage and I can't keep up with it! I also won't be able to get a loan to buy out his half of the equity on my salary.  Be realistic.

5. Dont waste your lawyer's time and your money talking about why. They dont care. (Again, this lawyer is my colleague so she can be pretty blunt with me). You can spend up to $300 boo hooing about whats going on, but have you accomplished anything? No. And now you're out several hundred bucks. Give them the details they need. Do some of the legwork yourself. You'll save a few bucks. Get a therapist if you need to vent...it is not your lawyers job to make you feel better.  (I did!)

6. Many divorces can be handled through mediation if both parties can manage to be in the same room together. Again, this saves a LOT of money. If you can maintain civility during the process, you may save yourself several thousand dollars. Then again, if something is worth fighting for and he's being a d-bag, well then some things just have to go to court.

So, thats about all I remember. I made the mistake of wasting a bunch of time with "the details" that didnt really matter (hence #5).  If I go through with this, the retainer alone will be $2500.  This whole situation SUCKS.  I thought I'd be willing to rebuild our marriage, but the more time goes on, the less patient he is when I need to talk about things.  He wants to forget it all ever happened and move forward. He doesnt understand why I cringe when he comes near me (I'm not doing it for effect, its an actual reflex).  The less patient he is with me, the more resistant I am to working things out, and the less willing he is to talk...its a vicious cycle.  He tells me I "need" to trust him, and obviously my response is "WHY SHOULD I?"  So, we are in limbo.  And counseling.

Austin- One Month

I dont think he looks THAT different, but he's filling out nicely! I can't believe he's already 5 weeks old...its going by quick! He's a great baby...pretty easy going, easy to calm.  He likes to eat. A lot. Every time I tell someone that he's a decent sleeper, he makes a liar out of me by spending the evening partying at the milk bar.  Its ok though, I'm enjoying him so much. He brings a lot of peace to my very chaotic situation. His sisters ADORE him.  So far, no real jealousy issues. Aubrey is a little more hyper, wanting more attention, which we expected.  Everyone seems to be adjusting well...its the other stuff thats wreaking havoc on our little family.  I'll save that for another post.  But, the girls, Austin, and I, are doing well! I love this little dumpling of mine!  (the onesie stickers you can get on Etsy...love them! Every pregnant person I know will be getting them as a shower gift!)