Update-six months post affair

Six months following the husband's affair, and honestly, it feels like day one. Everyone keeps saying it gets easier with time, but I'm getting madder and madder. There are days when I'm functioning very well, and then BAM!!!! I want to ring his neck out of nowhere.  His efforts have been a roller coaster...sometimes trying, sometimes not.  While he says he understands what I'm going through, he clearly does NOT because I never cheated on him.  He gets upset when he even thinks I'm talking to another man...and I just find that hilarious (and stupid!)  

So, while I'm learning to function and the days go on and I dont think about this ALL day, there are these moments where my emotion is so raw and aggravated that its probably not good for me to be around anyone.  Today was a day like that. I was MAD.  I mean, a mad that I havent been since I first found out.  Out of nowhere, I just became straight furious!  How DARE he put his selfish needs ahead of his family? How dare he risk the stability and happiness of FOUR kids! How dare he step outside of our marriage and this life we created?  What a fool.  What a darn fool.  I look around at our beautiful children, our beautiful land and the home we created and I just feel sick that he could be surrounded by all these blessings and yet still step out of our lives, lie to me, and betray me and our family.  

They say when people have affairs, theres a need that isnt being met by the other spouse.  I've really had to take a hard look at myself to figure out what I wasnt providing for him.  To be honest, if anyone had the right to step outside, I feel like it should have been me. He was emotionally unavailable, absorbed in his work, and very rarely helped at home or with the kids.  It was like we were roomates, but not because I wanted it like that!  I feel like he created this lousy situation, and then used it against me to have himself an affair.

Whenever he's on the phone, I immediately feel a tug in my chest...I dont trust him, even though for the most part he lets me look at his phone when I want.  I just feel this sick tugging at my heart and I hate it.  I hate that I no longer love him the way that I did, and I certainly don't respect him the way that I did. Even when things were bad, they weren't so bad that I didnt think we could recover with help.  But throw in the "deal breaker" of him cheating and I'm stuck. I dont know how to process that. I dont know how to get over it, or forgive it.  Its like he had so much nerve, so much selfishness...and maybe the fact that I would NEVER have done it to him makes it all the worse.  

Thank God for my friends...some are here in my daily life, and some I can really only talk to through emails, but I am blessed to have so much support.  They have been so patient as I've flip flopped between "stay" and "go."  I still dont know what to do.  I dont feel comfortable in my home, shared with a man who lied to me, ignored me, and pushed me aside to fulfill some need HE had... a man who went to be with another woman and then came home and snuggled with our children. Its just disgusting. 

So thats where we are today.  More good days than bad I guess, but when they are bad, they are really really bad.  I'm in a very low place during those moments, the only thing that matters are my children.  I'm trying so hard to keep their lives normal. Thankfully, he's more involved with them than he's ever been.  They are benefitting in that respect...but will it make it harder if we separate?  Its just such a mess.  

Three down!

Three months down, and I can't imagine my life without this little angel of mine. What a happy happy boy I have! He's a total chunker, but I have no idea how much he actually weighs....I just know his fat and sweet little belly pokes out of his shirts all day long!

firsts

This was a week of firsts for almost all of us.  Tuesday brought a new school year, and my first day back to work. I took a new job doing foster care for our county.  I had to send my oldest baby off to middle school and my second baby to kindergarten.  My littlest one started daycare. I was a freaking wreck.  Luckily my  new job is in the same unit, so everyone understood my emotional instability that day.  I can not believe I have two school age kids.  Honestly though, the one who took this adjustment the hardest was Aubrey.  She was so sad to see her big sister off to kindy, while she had to stay at the "baby school."  But, once she realized that BOTH her big sisters would be back at the end of the day, she did just fine. This week was so chaotic, my house is such a wreck...there was very little sleep to be had. I hope we find our groove soon because it was some hardcore scheduling.  You'll notice there are no pictures of Aubrey...that is because she cried the ENTIRE morning (we're talking like, three hours) because she didn't want her sisters to go to school.  The sentiment was sweet, but it was rough.

progression

Austin Michael
I can not believe how big he is! He's doubled his birth weight. He is an easy, happy little man!

Getaway

This past weekend we went to my parents' beach house, sans my husband. It was a nice break.  All the tension I'd been feeling and the weight I'd been living under disappeared for a few days.  The kids had a great time, and the two littles went into the ocean for the first time. Allie, my fearless one, scared the heck out of me with wave diving (she can't swim, but don't tell her that!)  All in all, it went well.  We're home now and back to the daily grind. I go back to work in two weeks, and I'm dreading handing over my baby, but I know he'll be in good hands. Allie is so excited about kindergarten she can hardly stand it...we are officially in countdown mode!

2 months old

This sweet boy of mine is already two months old!  I did his little photo shoot this morning, but since we are leaving on a trip for the rest of the week, the camera is packed, pictures not yet uploaded.  So, a few pictures off my phone will have to suffice for now.  He's already 11 lbs 10oz (up five pounds since birth) and very very happy.  He's got a great temperament and is really laid back.  Right now, his favorite thing to do is stare at the ceiling fan :)

 Thats a big change from THIS tiny little man from two months ago.  I can not believe how quickly its going!

Even geese mate for life

We have a large pond at our house.  Every year, Canadian geese set up camp and raise a bunch of little baby geese and  its sweet and we love it.  We like to think its the same geese coming back each year, and the girls have lovingly named them Spiderman and Bernadette.  So, this year, as predicted, Spiderman and Bernadette raised a lovely little family in our pond.  One day though, as I was leaving, I noticed this lone goose wandering around our property.  I can't tell the difference between the boys and girls except that Spiderman is extremely aggressive when it comes to protecting his brood, while Bernadette is pretty passive. This goose here, is pretty laid back (in fact, she'd probably let me run over her as she is in no rush to ever leave my driveway...suicidal?  Who knows.) The thing is, geese mate for life...and I'm hoping that some tragic event did not befall our Spiderman, leaving Bernadette to fend for herself.  Every day I see this goose wandering around alone, and it breaks my heart.  (Of course, after looking it up on Animal Planet, it turns out that while geese mate for life, its more often for the selfish reason of proliferation rather than true love...but whatever...they're pretty loyal regardless of their reasoning.)

So of course I'm projecting my own feelings onto this little bird, but I feel like we have a bond.  I'm lonely as heck, even though my husband still lives here.  Even GEESE know that your primary relationship is one you should cherish and protect.  Not that I'm saying they aren't smart and all, but their brains ARE pretty small...and yet they've got the basics of loyalty down pat.

I'm really in an odd place.  I feel very sad, very alone and yet at the same time, pretty damn strong for keeping it together (in public anyways).  My husband no longer understands why I'm still upset and things can't be the way they were.  He's no longer answering all my questions and being patient with me.  So where does that leave things? Most people say that affairs take years to overcome, and he's already "over it," and I'm clearly not.  I look around at our beautiful land...a place we had agreed to raise our children, and know that if I leave, we will both lose it. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I wanted my kids to grow up in the country, to run and explore and have a freedom they couldnt have in the 'burbs.  And here I am, contemplating taking them away from this beautiful place and I hate that I've been put in this position...a position that I must make a decision, whether its stay or go.  I have to make a commitment either way and I dont know what to do.  I didnt CHOOSE to be in this spot...it was not MY behavior that landed me here.  And now I have to decide if I can live with a man who betrayed me and who is now no longer "dealing with it," for my children's sake, or move on and maybe find some peace for myself, but at the expense of my children.  I am so confused, and its not getting any easier as time goes on.

Family Reunion and update

This past weekend we went to the bay for a family reunion. We had a GREAT time, which was a huge blessing b/c things have been pretty tense around here. The girls had a blast in the water, and Allie went tubing for the first time! Overall, it was just pretty peaceful and was a much needed respite from the daily drama.

And for the update:  Actually theres nothing much to say. I'm still stuck in limbo. I feel better having spoken to an attorney, but actually taking the plunge and going through with a divorce is a pretty big step...one that I can't take back.  So, before I do it, I want to make sure I've exhausted all my options.  Counseling is sometimes good, sometimes bad. I really dont think he is able to understand how I feel and how what he did effects my attitude towards him. He often acts hurt that I'm not affectionate with him...well, he probably should have thought about that before he was affectionate with someone else.  Therapy is full of emotion and often very intense.  I didnt realize how bad things were until I was forced to say it out loud to a third party. SO, thats where we are.  He's trying most of the time, but I just dont know if its enough. For  now, its literally day to day (or even hour to hour).  The emotions are still very raw and painful....I STILL can't believe he did this.  But, it happened, and somehow I'm going to have to figure out how to just accept that fact because I can't erase it.

Free legal advice!!

Found this on pinterest....wish I was that clever...or had that much money to spend on humiliating my husband in public. I'm not really that kind of girl though.  As I'm discussing my situation with friends, I'm finding that I'm loyal to a fault...like a dog whose owner kicks him repeatedly.  I keep coming back for more.

SO, I went to an attorney on Monday to figure out what my options were, and since I HAD to spend the $150 for an hour of her time, I will share the information she bestowed upon me for FREE...because sadly there ARE a lot of women finding my blog due to infidelity issues in their marriages.  Disclaimer: I'm not an attorney. I just know a bunch of them.  This is the advice given to me by MY legal representative so don't get all tizzied up if it isnt what you want to hear or if it differs from what your legal representative told you.

Here's the basic rundown in case you missed it.  My husband had an affair this past January through this past March during my 5th through 7th month of pregnancy with our fourth baby. I found out in April. He did NOT spend any of our joint money on this woman (although she spend HER marital money on my husband....this matters, and I'll tell you why in a second).  Although my husband lied and lied and lied for three months, the fact that he didnt spend any of OUR money on the affair is to his advantage. When a spouse spends a significant amount of marital money on their affair partner, it can effect the outcome of the divorce (mainly alimony...so if this whore's husband were to find out what she did, she may be forced to forfeit alimony b/c she spent a TON of money on my husband...she paid for their dates, hotel rooms, a ski trip, gas, his teeth whitening, etc).  Anyhow!

Ok, so heres the rest:

1. DONT HAVE SEX WITH HIM.  In our state, having sex with your husband after discovering his affair is essentially saying you either forgive or condone what he's done.

2. Trying to go for a "fault" based divorce will probably be about 2x more expensive than no fault. It is difficult to prove an affair (although in my case, quite easy since I have pictures), but at the end of the day, the judges dont care WHY you're getting divorced, they just want to get it over with. Most of the time, equitable distribution will still come into play, so even if he is proven at fault, he's still going to get 50% of everything.

3. Document his and your parenting habits.  The parent who is the primary caregiver is most likely going to get custody.

4. Don't waste energy fighting for the house if you can not maintain or afford it.  This part sucks.  I WANT our house...its my children's home. But, we have a ton of acreage and I can't keep up with it! I also won't be able to get a loan to buy out his half of the equity on my salary.  Be realistic.

5. Dont waste your lawyer's time and your money talking about why. They dont care. (Again, this lawyer is my colleague so she can be pretty blunt with me). You can spend up to $300 boo hooing about whats going on, but have you accomplished anything? No. And now you're out several hundred bucks. Give them the details they need. Do some of the legwork yourself. You'll save a few bucks. Get a therapist if you need to vent...it is not your lawyers job to make you feel better.  (I did!)

6. Many divorces can be handled through mediation if both parties can manage to be in the same room together. Again, this saves a LOT of money. If you can maintain civility during the process, you may save yourself several thousand dollars. Then again, if something is worth fighting for and he's being a d-bag, well then some things just have to go to court.

So, thats about all I remember. I made the mistake of wasting a bunch of time with "the details" that didnt really matter (hence #5).  If I go through with this, the retainer alone will be $2500.  This whole situation SUCKS.  I thought I'd be willing to rebuild our marriage, but the more time goes on, the less patient he is when I need to talk about things.  He wants to forget it all ever happened and move forward. He doesnt understand why I cringe when he comes near me (I'm not doing it for effect, its an actual reflex).  The less patient he is with me, the more resistant I am to working things out, and the less willing he is to talk...its a vicious cycle.  He tells me I "need" to trust him, and obviously my response is "WHY SHOULD I?"  So, we are in limbo.  And counseling.

Austin- One Month

I dont think he looks THAT different, but he's filling out nicely! I can't believe he's already 5 weeks old...its going by quick! He's a great baby...pretty easy going, easy to calm.  He likes to eat. A lot. Every time I tell someone that he's a decent sleeper, he makes a liar out of me by spending the evening partying at the milk bar.  Its ok though, I'm enjoying him so much. He brings a lot of peace to my very chaotic situation. His sisters ADORE him.  So far, no real jealousy issues. Aubrey is a little more hyper, wanting more attention, which we expected.  Everyone seems to be adjusting well...its the other stuff thats wreaking havoc on our little family.  I'll save that for another post.  But, the girls, Austin, and I, are doing well! I love this little dumpling of mine!  (the onesie stickers you can get on Etsy...love them! Every pregnant person I know will be getting them as a shower gift!)

Fishy blessings

Many of you know, I've been completely consumed with whats going on with my husband. I'm still there, stuck in a state of denial, anger, and hurt. But, now and again, we have moments of normalcy where his indiscretions are forgotten and we can be a "regular" family for a while. I count these moments as major blessings because they are few and far between. Thank God for these little ones...they keep me going!!

Last night, we bought some fish.  Typically, people buy little goldfish, or pretty betas...usually fish that are no bigger than a few inches.  But when we buy fish, we buy BIG fish.  We have a pond that we stocked with bass and brim when we built our house. We take the girls fishing down there often and they love it!  After noticing a bit of green on top of the water, hubs decided we needed some carp to eat it up.  So, I'd like to introduce our 15 new additions....(only some of them have names. Allie named hers Charlie, Cupcake, Sprinkles and Sparkles. Aubrey named hers Fishwater and Flower. Ayden was too cool to name hers!)

Ayden carrying 50 pounds of fish and water. 

Girls with their bags of fish

Austin riding his bag of fish

Allie, striking a pose in true Allie fashion

My oldest, and my youngest

Be free fishies!! Godspeed!!

A baby after infidelity

I'm finding that a few people are searching terms like "husband cheated I'm pregnant" or "can't trust husband" and many other combinations that indicate that women are finding my blog because they've been cheated on or suspect they are.  I'm sure a few of you are wondering how we're getting by so soon after my discovery of his affair, and now with a brand new baby.

I will say...stay away from internet searches. If you have any hope in rebuilding your marriage, do not search for anything unless its positive. There is SO much negative! Its very easy to get caught up in what other people think about your jerk/a-hole/selfish husband.  You already know these things...no need to fuel the fire unless you want to leave, then by all means...pour the gasoline. But if you're like me...on the fence...stay away from the negativity because it can take one of your good days or strong moments, and slam you right back into the turmoil of emotions you felt at the very beginning.

In my case, my husband is owning what he has done.  I still have some very very bad days (in fact, last night was one of them). Its still next to impossible for me to fathom what he's done and how selfish he was.  He constantly says it was a "mistake," but it was a CHOICE. Its always a choice. But, he is working hard to prove his worth at this point.  Some days, it feels good. Other days, I dont care at all.  Its a mixed bag, and it sucks. The worst part is that I didnt cause this. I'm at the mercy of his stupid behavior.  Now I have four kids that will have their lives affected if I decide to go. Its ALL in my hands, and I hate that.  I hate that HIS behavior put me in this place where I have to make a decision. 

I've done a lot of reading on rebuilding, and I've found that a lot of times, peole don't forgive or forget, but they accept what has happened.  I'm not ready for any of that. Its been two months...I can't forgive, forget, accept, even tolerate on some days.  We are still going to therapy, and the addition of this little man of ours has helped some. He's been helpful...more than I can say about the other kids.  He's been involved and pretty attentive.  Is it genuine? Only time will tell. 

I find what he's done absolutely disgraceful.  There is no excuse.  But, are we all human? Do we make mistakes? Do we deserve a second chance?  Thats what I wrestle with every day!

The new man in my life :)

Austin Michael
6/14/2012 (37 weeks)
6lb 10oz
(birth story below)

So, at my 37 week appointment, I was shocked to learn that my normally very very low blood pressure had suddenly become very very high. The dr wanted to admit me immediately, but I convinced her to give me one more day to wrap things up at work and then I'd go in.  By that night, I felt very off...dizzy, woozy, and very high-blood-pressure-y.  We borrowed my father-in-law's BP machine and discovered that my BP was really high...about 180/114.  We called on-call, and they said to come in immediately. After a sleepless night of monitoring, I was told I'd be delivering that day. Four hours into the induction, my BP spiked at 195/120, and the baby was not responding well at all.  My dr (and a million others) came rushing in and informed me the baby was coming out NOW.  

I was SO scared. One of my biggest fears was having a c-section. Surgery scares me, being cut open while AWAKE scares me...but I had no time to think about it.  The baby had to come out immediately. Hubs had just returned from lunch with Ayden, who then had to be ushered into the anesthesiologist's office because there was no one there to watch her and there wasnt time to wait for anyone.  

Once in surgery, everything felt totally surreal...like it wasn't me this was happening to.  Hubs was very very supportive and reassuring.  It came time to get the baby out, and this is where things get fuzzy.  They made the incision, but when they did, his head wasn't where it was supposed to be (he was trying to come out by his neck!).  He stuck his arm out the hole, and in doing so, turned his entire body around inside me. It ended up taking four people to get him out. When I had all of those people pressing and tugging on me, I started to be able to feel everything and it was extremely painful.  And then came the drugs.  Hubs said the anesthesiologist unloaded his cabinet on me...there was nothing left to give me. I dont remember much after that. I vaguely remember him crying...the NICU team worked on him a bit (but he was fine). 

I didnt really see him until about five hours later. I know I had family in and out during that time, but I dont really remember it. I was pretty much out.  Part of me feels sort of robbed of that initial bonding time...I had it with each of the girls...but I was so sick, that I know the very most important thing was that he was no longer in my body.  I got hooked up to magnesium after his birth, and even though everyone says its horrible, it actually wasnt too bad. It just made me really really really hot.  

The next day, I was able to really see and hold and bond with my little man.  He was fantastic!! He had bruises everywhere from his rough entry.  He had a black eye, bruises down his face and arm. There was some concern for nerve damage in his arm, but it works just fine.  Most of the bruises were gone by the second day.  My blood pressure stayed high throughout my hospital stay, but I was discharged on Sunday anyways. 

So, Sunday night, I was feeling really "off" again. I took my  BP and it was very very high (again!). Hubs and I spent the rest of the night in the ER with our brand new baby.  I was sent home at 230am with different BP medication. It was horrible. Being at an ER with a three day old baby...I was so upset. But, alls well that ends well I guess.  

So, we've been home for another two days. He's doing well..eats like a champ...sleeps ok.  We are LOVING him. He is such a blessing!! I had no idea how much I would adore my little man. We are all completely smitten with him. The girls can't keep their hands off of him, and hubs just stares and stares at him. I had had so many questions during this pregnancy, but I have to trust that God knows what he's doing when he creates these little lives.  

So, I'm off to give the little guy a bath! Having three girls, I had NO idea what a mess those little boy parts can make if you don't pay attention! ;)