Poison

It was said by some wise person on Pinterest, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”   I feel like I have been chugging poison for a while now…and obviously nothing is happening.  When my lawyer’s paralegal repeated that line to me yesterday after yet another setback, I realized how much I anger I was holding on to.  My ex is not a part of my daily life.  I have no fond memories of him, and the kids and I only talk about him when they want to.  However, the decisions he makes continue to affect our lives and it makes it darn near impossible to move on for good.

I found out yesterday that he quit his job.  I had sent an email to his office address requesting he sign the car over before insurance was due on it again. His supervisor emailed me back, telling me he was no longer employed there. I called his boss, hoping he would share some info, which he did.  Turns out, the ex quit on Monday.  I knew he had been demoted, but his ex-girlfriend told me it was due to pornography on his computer.  The boss told me it was due to him never being available. They were tracking his car and he would put in maybe 2-3 hours of work per day and then spend the rest of his day messing around with her.  When they called him on it, he didn’t change the behavior.  He’s worked at this company for 20 years…since he was a teenager.  He’s known the other employees just as long.  His downward spiral is baffling everyone.

If it weren’t for the children, I could care less if he spiraled into complete oblivion.  Take his sex addiction and screw his way across the country. I don’t care.  But when his stupidity and selfishness affect the kids…the anger I feel towards him is straight maddening!  When I confronted him last night at pick-up, he wouldn’t give me any answers. He just said the kids would be covered under COBRA, which makes me think he does NOT have another job lined up. He has not paid the mortgage and child support is due.  He’s lied and told everyone we sold the house and he’s going to live off that money for a while, but we haven’t!

I am scared of this person.  It’s a different scared than it used to be. Before, he was in my home, threatening me, smothering me, intimidating me.  But, outside our home, he was “responsible and hard working.”  Now, he could care less about our home going into foreclosure, he quit his job, he doesn’t care about any of the things that he used to be proud of.  How will this translate to the children? No insurance? No child support?

He’s already done numerous things to endanger the children…will it get worse? I hate this person.  I’m trying to find a part of me that feels pity for him instead…to see that his “addiction” is real, and like any other addict, he is putting his drug of choice (sex) ahead of everything else.  But I don’t understand addiction. I’m not an addict. There is nothing more important to me than my family, and I just can not put addiction up there as a justifiable reason to ruin your life and those of the people around you. 

So I’m angry, and I’m drinking poison, and he is completely unaware. All this emotion I have is a complete waste of energy because the person its aimed at is oblivious to it.  Even if he was aware, he either wouldn’t care, or he would be happy that he’s making me miserable.  I’m trying to will myself not to feel it, trying to negotiate with myself to feel something different.  But I can’t. No amount of reasoning or praying (or medication…) has been able to rid me of this anger.  Many days, it lays dormant, but when he stirs it up, I feel like I go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat. 

 

Because they are awesome

My world...

Update

We are a year and a half into our divorce, and while not much has changed, SO much has happened.  Some of it mundane, typical divorce-y stuff, some of it the juicy, yet horrific details that you are drawn to like a bad accident. 

Turns out, I got to witness karma at its finest.  On one very eery day this past spring, I happened to run into my husband at the gas station. I let the kids say hello, and then he attempted conversation with me. He attempted to act human…attempted.  Remember, this man is not human in the sense that he actually cares about people or feels sorry or has empathy.  EVERY act, every word, is a means to an end on his secret agenda.  So lets put a pin in that and fast forward about five minutes.

I’m driving towards home, when his girlfriend calls me.  She knew I had been with him at the gas station because she could hear our conversation on the spyware she’d installed on his phone.  He didn’t realize that it picked up ALL sounds, whether he was on the phone or not. Creepy…

Anyhow! What led her to this call was that he had cheated on her.  With 12 women. He had betrayed this woman…the “love of his life,” not just once, but over and over and over…

What she revealed to me was that he was a sex addict.  Shocker. She told me that they had been in counseling for months, and he had revealed that he had cheated on me with at least 39 women (ew ew ew….no worries,of course I was tested and all was clear).   He used his parenting time to screen new prospects he met on the internet because that is the only time she wouldn’t suspect anything. (I remember the kids coming home saying “we met daddy’s new friend and her son/daughter/dog/whatever).  Not in a million years would I have guessed that after he tucked the kids into bed those nights, that he was sneaking off to meet these women at a local restaurant.  Even after his girlfriend busted him on that, he continued to do it.  Apparently it is an addiction because he can’t stop to save himself.  He paid her (yep, PAID her) $1000 and let her put spyware on his phone a few months back to show how sincerely sorry he was. He said if he ever cheated again, she could keep the money. Well, guess who’s going shopping?

She had finally reached her breaking point when one day near Easter, she left him for a few hours to dye Easter eggs with her daughter and she busted him on this nifty spyware trying to get a booty call from two other women. Lucky for me, I got to sort of sit back and watch the fireworks as the drama unfolded.  She did all the things I couldn’t bring myself to do…out him to all his family and friends.  She told anyone who would listen.  And there it was…all the sordid details, and I didn’t have to say a word. 

When she was done, she went home to her husband.  Sick people. They deserved each other.

It was around this time that I discovered my husband had taken my children on a “chase” of sorts.  When the girlfriend went missing one day, he used her Iphone to track her down.  He then went to a stranger’s house and threatened the guy that lived there.  My children were terrified. No one realized they were in the car until a bit later when he was frantically calling her best friend and the friend called his girlfriend to tell her the kids were with him and she had to do something to make him stop.  And when she did leave, my husband was at the edge of the neighborhood, waiting for her. My children were so scared, and it was like he couldn’t even hear them. He parked in the middle of an intersection and left them there to go to her car. 

Right now, we are working on modifying the court order to initiate supervised visitation.  So many things have happened that children should never be witness to. I have been in closer contact with his parents so that they are aware to keep an eye on things.  This is just scratching the surface of the events that unfolded over the past six months. My two oldest are in therapy and I’m working on the third one.

When I found out how much and how often he cheated on me, it didn’t bother me a bit. It drove home that it wasn’t me…it was him.  The marriage failed, and was doomed to fail.  There was never going to be a fix for this.  But, when I found out the details of what he’s put my children through…that goes straight to my heart.  How dare he! How dare he ignore their cries and pleas to stop!? How dare he ignore them when they say they are scared of him?

So, apparently since the breakup, he has found God again. I’ve decided that the whole, “suave, sex-addicted businessman” thing didn’t work out for him (he got demoted because of pornography on his computer and abusing company privileges), so now he’s trying out the “wounded sex-addict  in recovery who attends church and listens to the Bible in the car” role.  We are Christians.  But him stepping into church makes him no more a Christian than me stepping into a garage makes me a mechanic.  He is all fake. Every ounce of his being is fake.

All that said, the kids are ok.  They are very open, and their counselors have suggested that I not cover for him anymore, but let them explore what they believe to be the truth.  The ironic part is, he has said to them, “believe what you see, not what you hear.”  Well, what they have seen are pictures on his phone of him on vacation in various locations, without them.  What they have seen is his crazy, erratic behavior. What they have seen is him lying to them.

The advice people have given is true. “His true colors will shine, give it time.” “The kids will pick up on this faster than you think.” “The truth will win.”  It was all true, it just took time. 

 

 

 

Moving out and on

So, its been a while.  I no longer have internet access at home, since we moved.  My move had been planned for a while. I built a small house with my parents’ help and was supposed to be moving this past weekend.  However, I came home one day a few weeks ago to my husband, his father, and his friend clearing out some of the furniture in the old house. I was petrified. I had changed the locks…HOW did he get in?  I called the police thinking that our original order that stated he couldn’t come into the home would be enforced…turns out our later custody order trumped that one…which means he’s been coming in and out of the house for the past ten months at will, without me knowing.  I’d had an idea he’d been in there…things would  be moved, I could literally smell him at times, yet I had no proof and chalked it up to paranoia. 

Our court order required a 30 day notice with any intent to move. We were two weeks into my notice when this happened. I felt extremely unsafe, and my lawyer said to go ahead and move the children since he continued to come and go when I wasn’t home, removing things each time. It was very unsettling…I understood that legally the house was still his, but for the time being, I had felt semi-safe there.

So, Monday morning I went to work thinking I’d be going home that night, and by Monday night, I was moved into my new house. It was very quick, unexpected, and I’m sure there will be legal hell to pay for violating the 30 day rule.  I’ve spend the past couple of weeks going between the houses, cleaning (until he took the vacuum), and packing and organizing whats left.  Yesterday was the last day I plan on going in that house.  It was so bittersweet…it was my “dream home,” and yet it was filled with so many horrible memories that I wanted to RUN from it.  Every detail I had planned, every furnishing I had picked…now just a part of the past.  I had imagined my grandchildren would visit me there, and we’d fish down at our pond. When my husband proposed on the knoll that later became our front porch, I never would have dreamed this is how things would turn out.

We have to work out the financial pieces of whats left…and he has been extremely uncooperative in that aspect. We have our spousal support hearing today, and he’s acting like that’s the deciding factor in whether or not he can buy me out of the house.  He’s had over a year to figure it out, and left me hanging.  This entire year, our house could have been on the market. 

Its been an adjustment…we don’t have cable or internet anymore…finances don’t allow for these “luxuries.”  Our new little house is wonderful, albeit underfurnished.  I’ve learned very quickly that I really didn’t NEED most of the stuff we had.  Each child has a bed, which is the most important thing. 

If you read this today, please pray that court goes well.  I’m a nervous wreck. 

 

Enough is enough.

Today was a rough day.  I couldn't focus at work, I couldn't really focus on anything. I had a meeting and found myself walking away from people as they were talking.  I was completely absent from my responsibilities, and thankfully nothing really required that much attention anyways.  We are running into all sorts of bumps along our road to divorce...initially it was the conflict of our county JDR judge (because I work for the county and go before him frequently for "my" foster kids). Then my husband and I couldn't agree at mediation...then the sub-judge gave an outrageous custody ruling that no one was happy with...so he didn't rule at all.  When that finally got ironed out, my husband's lawyer had to have an emergency hysterectomy right before our spousal support court date (last October), and it wasn't rescheduled until next month. Now...his lawyer may have a conflict and may need to withdraw from the case.  So many variables, so many letdowns and stressful days!
Meanwhile, my husband has been having a grand time making my life miserable.  At some point, and maybe this is it...I need to just stop listening to his nonsense.  All advice I've read about divorcing a narcissist says DONT ENGAGE.  Its just so hard not to when you know he's just lying lying lying ALL the time.
The kids have been coming forward with information that is just disturbing.  Yesterday, they said that they saw pictures on my husband's girlfriend's phone of them kissing in various places.  Then they said that he cried and then yelled at them not to tell me.  My six year old stated he told her he could "buy a castle" with all the money he's given me...and she wants to know where the castle is!
I had a long talk with them last night...about their feelings and what he says, and I still don't know how to prepare them for this.  I had to just say that Daddy may say things about me that aren't very nice, or that make you feel weird, but you can always talk about it, and you don't have to listen to it.  I never speak bad about him...and God knows I have plenty to say. I know that whatever I say about him will hurt them more than it could ever hurt him, so I keep my mouth shut.

So at some point today I was reading about Narcissism, victims, PTSD, etc, etc.  I came across Tina Swithin's blog and book "Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle."  I spent hours reading her blog! Then I went to her facebook page and found so many women...just like me. How I've missed this wonderful author and resource during my previous searches, I dont know.  I've downloaded her book on the kindle and plan on reading it. Its reviews on amazon were stellar. Finder her was just what I needed to remind myself that I'm not alone...this mental illness he has IS real, despite the facade he has managed to put on for everyone.

We got into an argument the other night, and I was listening to him speak in his scattered, threatening, non-sensical way.  It scared me because historically, these were the moments that would turn into hours and hours of his screaming at me.  And then it hit me...I can hang up.  Done. I don't HAVE to listen to this. (By that point I'd already listened to too much and was already upset, but the realization was an important one for me...even if it came a little late this time).

I WAS a victim of severe emotional abuse. I was threatened, bullied, cursed, and tortured by his sick mind. WAS.  I have every bit of control to say "I am not a victim any more!" I just have to start believing it I guess.  I do not have my children tonight, which has made today harder, but I will read this book and hopefully find more ways to cope with the constant ups and downs of this mess.

And exactly one year ago tonight...

was when I found out (for the second time) that my husband was cheating (still).  Exactly one year ago, his girlfriend just found out about  Austin, and I just found out about her. I was SO tempted to text her today to say thank you for the blessing of the TRUTH.  She didn't "steal" my husband...he went willingly.  What the two of them have created is built entirely on lies.   They've convinced themselves that its love, and honestly I really don't care. How can anything be genuine when its entire foundation was built on lies and deceit?  I've reconciled with the fact that she's here to stay, as they both pretend they are married and she's already taken his name.  As long as they show kindness towards each other in front of my children, and are good to them, I can live with their crazy.  

But as for me...I'm free.  So thank you K-----!!   I NEVER ever ever ever have to be with someone who treats me like dirt ever again. I never have to settle for less than I deserve. My children will never see their mother emotionally tormented by a man ever again.  They will never hear the screams, cry in fear, or experience the confusion that was our lives ever again.  We have worked hard this past year- my little team.

A year ago tonight, I was torn with so many feelings...I remember feeling so relieved that I wasn't crazy! That I really DID hear him talking on the phone at night, and that my instincts were 100% on the money!  But the overwhelming feeling of freedom is something I'll never forget.  Sure, I was livid, hurt, betrayed...but I knew at that moment when she told me on the phone, that there was no going back and I would never accept him as my partner ever again.  I knew at that moment that my life was mine again...that I did not have to share another second with him.  I didn't have to trust him, rely on him, love him.  I could LET HIM GO. I could let the marriage go, knowing I'd forgiven him once, tried my best, and it didn't work.

One year down (again), and it has been SO. HARD.  But it is nothing compared to the hell I lived under his thumb.

My only advice...believe them when they show you who they are.  Don't second guess yourself, don't get caught up in emotions...when they show you their true selves, believe it.  You will save yourself a lot of hurt and time.

I'm not going to lie...I hate you.

I really don't understand things. I just don't GET how people can be so incredibly self-serving. He introduced my kids to his girlfriend. The one he is definitely still seeing because he made it a point to send me the longest. text. ever. to describe how they will be together and how I need to just "get over it," and how he's done nothing wrong and its my fault the kids know who she is.

My kids are not stupid. They've heard him talk to her on the phone. They've MET her (back when we were still in the same house!). They were a part of all of this.  He had her IN my home while they were asleep upstairs. He is the king of crossing inappropriate boundaries. So when I found out they'd met her, I wasn't surprised.  Not a single therapist we've been involved with has recommended we introduce our kids to a significant other, but he decided it was ok to just sort of bypass the professional advice and do what he wanted.

I got to hear about how "nice" she was, which, you know, stung to my very core. But I guess I'd rather the kids be happy when she's around than angry.  So, I put on my big girl panties and pretended like I was excited about "Daddy's new friend."  I'm waiting for when they get upset that daddy always has her around and never has alone time for them, but that will come.

We are not even divorced yet though.  Our kids are adjusting to so much this year, and he's just going to throw in the girlfriend??  Oh, and her "super cool" teenage daughter. Who brought them bags of candy.  WTH?

So then I talked to her husband, as we've been in touch during this process, and discovered that she'd been asking to work on the marriage and move back into their home.  They'd even set up marriage counseling. What is this completely unstable, manipulative home-wrecker trying to do?  WHO does she want to be with? Needless to say, he was not happy about this, especially the part where his daughter was involved.  Then we decided that my husband and his wife might really be the two most selfish people ever.  If you want to be with my husband, fine. I dont want him. If you want to be with YOUR husband...fine! But when you start dragging the kids into these relationship, you're creating the potential for some serious damage. Leave them out of it. Why can't he just spend his two days with them and not her? Its only FOUR days out of the month. Come on!

Traditions

Some things never change, and tradition is really big in our family. Of course we have to allow for flexibility now, but there are certain things we ALWAYS do. To kick off our Christmas season, we have breakfast with Santa, courtesy of my parents. Today was a wonderful day. Its not "my" weekend with the kids, but my ex was nice enough to let me have them for this event. They had so much fun...and as much as I've sort of been dreading December and the holidays, they made me forget all the bad memories as we made new ones.

Next on the list are cookies and pizza breads! I had to give the kids back today but next weekend we'll be all about the baking!  I think while the kids are at their dad's, our Elf is planning on leaving a lit Christmas tree for them to decorate however they want.  Its supposed to snow here on Sunday, so if school is closed Monday, we can decorate!

Just a prayer request...

Life's got a way of smacking you in the face. Sometimes its just the wake-up call you need. Today during daycare pickup was mine. I ran into a friend of mine whose children have been growing side-by-side with my own.  She has a lovely family, and I've come to know many of her relatives through years of birthday and family parties.  Her father was very recently diagnosed with cancer, and while he was unconscious and in the ICU recovering from his 11 hour operation, her mother fell ill and is now in the ICU as well.  I'm not sure what happened with her, but its not usually something you post on facebook, and daycare wasn't the place to ask.  So, for those of you that do, please pray for this family...this mother and father who have raised amazing people, (who have married amazing people), and all their little grandchildren.  I can not even imagine what it would be like to have both parents with life-threatening illnesses, let alone at the same time.  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

My other thought is with a little girl who came across my path at work. She is nine, and she sort of fell into our laps when her mother pretty much up and left her with a stranger because she had to choose between the child or her husband (who had been abusing the child).  She chose the husband. And while this little girl bounced from house to house, another mother noticed she'd been limping an awfully long time (since spring).  A few hospital visits later, and she was diagnosed with osteosarcoma.  This little girl, whose mother abandoned her, now has to fight for her life. Thankfully, family has stepped up to take care of her and she is no longer bouncing from home to home. But please think of her too, and pray that she heals.

I am grateful beyond words for my healthy family.  Healthy parents, healthy children. When something like that happens, I'm sure its ALL that matters...you just want them to be well again.  Today was a reminder to never take that for granted.

treading lightly

I've been debating about a week how to write this, honestly more because I thought it was too good to be true (it was) than anything else.  If you've been cheated on, then blamed for your spouses indiscretions...you may, somewhere down to road, expect to hear an apology.  I never expected it. Once everything had hit the fan and he was no longer pretending to be my husband and everyone knew what he'd done, he flat out told me that he didn't regret his affair.  There were a few late-night phone calls in the beginning full of his voice saying, "if only you'd been, done, were different..."

So, imagine my surprise when it happened. I'd always imagined myself coming up with some awesome, snarky, hurtful dig if he ever felt humble enough to apologize...so he could "feel the weight of what he'd done."  What happened was, I burst into tears, became a blubbering idiot, and said nothing.  Well, for a few days anyways.  Thing is...he'd apologized when I found out about the affair the first time. A weekend-long sob session begging me to come home, followed with useless therapy, and half-assed attempts on his part. The second time I found out, he blamed it on me and wasn't sorry for one second.  So, even though he appeared to be sincere...I had to remember that he can't be sincere. In the past for me, its been so easy to get caught up in his apologies and for a few minutes, there I was again, guard down.  The next day, I waited for the typical hatefulness that would follow any of his kinder moments...yet it didn't come. Nor did it come the next day.

It came a few days later. It was sort of sneaky how he used my trust. He was casually asking me for "my" half of our car insurance. He has a truck and an SUV. I have a beat-up minivan. "My" portion is several hundred dollars less than his. He was banking on my softness, and trust, to just give it to him.

Aaaaand thats when I lost my cool.  At the moment I realized what he was doing, I flipped. Granted, I flipped through email and not in person which probably didn't have the effect I was going for. However, had it been in person I probably would have gone to jail.

So what? He tried to rip me off, right?  No big deal...same old story.  But that moment the anger I'd been stifling for my own "best interest" bubbled up, and every reason I could think of that I hated him came flying to the surface. Dumb things really...like how he took our lawn mower (and left me with over 5 acres to mow!), how he took our shovels (which I didn't realize until I had to bury one of our cats), he took the rakes (uh...leaves), how he sends the kids back with dirty clothes on his weekends (that's 16 additional outfits for me to wash!), how he had this effing affair that has uprooted our entire damn lives and now he has the nerve to use a stupid apology to get my guard down to try and sucker me out of money when I'm already trying to make ends meet. Maybe its a stretch, but based on history, that's exactly what he did.  The tears were the same as the ones he shed when I first found out and he begged me to come home...and then three days later he ran back into the arms of his girlfriend (only I didn't know it yet).

I WANT to believe he can be a better person. There is not a cell in my body that would ever ever consider taking him back, but for the sake of our children, I desperately hope he can find healing.  Otherwise, his life will be full of these little games with various women.  I, sadly, was reminded that he can not be trusted. However, I will enjoy the little bit of peace it has brought.  He accepted my ranting email and didn't say a negative word to me. I appreciate that. Because every day that theres a positive interaction, it means theres been one less negative one.

The weird thing too is that he kept saying he apologized for "his part" of our marriage's demise. He never said he was sorry for cheating, or being abusive...just "his part."  I'd be more apt to believe it if he could say it out loud. When he says his "part," it feels like he's minimizing the horror that he made our lives into.  If he could verbalize how he'd scream, come at me, scare me, and torture me with his words, I might could take him seriously.  His "part" just doesn't do it justice.

Balancing the green

It is very easy to want more, want better. All the time, I look at seemingly happy families, and think I want that. Who wouldn't? Who would choose this chaos? I get jealous. Often. A lot of times, that jealousy clouds my ability to see the amazing GOOD I have been blessed with.

During one of my up-all-nights, I Googled "I suck at life."  Apparently a lot of other people feel the same way because I found a ton of links.  But the best one (and if I can find it, I'll post it) was basically Crappy Situation Survival 101.  It went on about how your perception of an event and your ability to remind yourself of and feel grateful for the blessings in your life will drastically effect the outcome and how you get through whatever mess you are in.  Seems basic enough. But when you're in the trenches, its so easy to forget all the good.

I whine a lot in my head, but try to keep it there and not burden my friends too much.  I whine about being lonely, about the financial strain this has put on me, about being straight exhausted raising four kids alone, about my stressful job...all kinds of things.  But what good does that do?  When I'm done with my pity party, I still feel lousy, if not worse, and the problems are still there.  Sometimes its easy, and sometimes it takes more effort, but when I sit back and think about how lucky I am, despite this BS mess my husband has put our family into, WOW! I am blessed!!!  Four healthy, amazing children (who are adapting well to this new life, thankyouverymuch), a roof over my head! A job! A relatively-reliable vehicle! A huge support system, full of family and friends!  I might not have the life I envisioned, or planned, but its still wonderful and full of great things that some could only wish for.  I've been hurt, my children have been hurt, our lives have been flipped all over the place...but look at us...all surviving and stuff!

 I think about some of my clients who don't have their children.  The families that  count on public assistance to survive.  The people who want to work but don't have a car.  Or the women who've become so isolated from family and friends because of their abuser, they don't believe they have a support system. (For those women, I just want to say, there is ALWAYS someone there for you.  Our local DSS has a Domestic Violence advocate who will walk with you through any court processes, and a lot of the courts have them as well...they can do everything from help lead you to safety, file protective orders, get funding and assistance, and just be a source of support).

Today was a rough day...a van with their little sticker family on the rear window drove by, complete with happy stick man and happy stick wife, and it just got to me. I cried all the way to daycare.  Then I got there and saw my four babies, happy and healthy, and remembered I don't need the stick man on the back of a brand new car to make my life complete.

Its ok

My purpose of posting all of these events is sincerely to help anyone who is going through this too to not feel as alone, or afraid to make the next move. I spent years in limbo...I knew I should leave, but for the kids, wanted to stay. There was a tiny part of me that was always hopeful, even after discovering the affair (the first time).  There was always a part of me that wanted to believe that THIS time he was really going to try to control his temper, and the words that he flung at me daily.  Most of the time, those promises were lost within hours, sometimes mere minutes.  It is so scary making that decision to leave...to disrupt your children's lives, your marital union, your financial stability, your home. My decision was made with the events of Christmas Eve, and expedited by the reveal of his girlfriend. Not everyone has such clarifying moments. Before that, I tried to just exist...telling myself it would be easier on the children to stay...counting down the years until the youngest would turn 18.  But then I got pregnant and reset that clock. I had moments where I felt strong enough to go, especially during my pregnancy when the abuse was at its worst. But the fear was paralyzing. Its easy from the outside to look in and tell another woman that they need to leave, that they need to set an example for their children and remove them from a toxic environment. Its easy to look IN and see the damage being created by one horrible person. But when you ARE in, it is so much harder to see out.  I will never judge another woman for not "just leaving."  If you haven't been there, you can't understand how hard it is.

Our custody hearing was 6 hours long. When I saw his evidence...much of fake or exaggerated, I realized he was going to play as dirty as he could.  He lied in court about his role with the children, trying to seem much more involved than he ever was. His evidence consisted of pictures that had nothing to do with me, but that I still had to defend. Bags of clothing I had set aside long ago for donation (and had been donated months before court), were described as "trash."  By looking closely at the pictures, you can see it is clothing, but for him to take pictures while we were still living together...it was part of his plan.  This happened with several other items.  The judge didn't really care about these mundane things, but because I knew my husband had no qualms about lying to make himself look better, it was a difficult trial. You can't just stand up and yell that he's lying. If your lawyer runs out of time for your testimony, you may never get the chance to tell the truth.  It was awful.

His family was there supporting him. I never in my wildest dreams thought they would pick sides. Never. His mother knew what he had put me through. His mother knows what kind of "man" she raised.  I thought of them like my own parents, and trusted them. I am no longer "allowed" to call them, and they are forbidden to call me. Occasionally we run into each other, and its cordial. But, it cuts me to the core to know how much I cared for them and how they've shown me zero support after what their son has done. Because he lives with them, they help care for the kids when they visit, and for that I'm grateful. Even though they and I no longer have a relationship, I trust them with my children, and my children still adore them.

Six hours after court began, it ended with no resolution.  We had a substitute judge (who was recovering from a stroke and should not have been allowed on the bench!).  He "ordered" our visitation schedule, which was ludicrous and more than even my husband was asking for, and at the end of the day, just sort of waved his hands and said "let the lawyers figure it out."  It took four months, but they finally did last week. My spousal support was suspended because its a Circuit Court issue, not Juvenile Court....but what he told everyone was that it was cancelled do to me cheating on him.  Again, I didn't.  

I mentioned earlier about our psych evals. I never got the opportunity to read his (with it being illegal and all to snoop at another's medical information without consent), but enough came out during court to confirm what I had thought all along. The narcissism is real.  Do not ever ever underestimate the damage a ticked off narcissist can inflict on your life. Damage to their reputation, damage to their lifestyle, their image...makes them angry.  The things my husband would say, the lies he would spin, scared me. After court, he more or less would leave me alone, unless things were going south in his other world. Then the text wars would start. Its baffling to see their words, and to know they are lies, but also know how very much they believe in what they are saying.  I have learned this through much trial and error: do not participate in the chaos they are trying to create. If they text you a lie, leave it alone. They want your interaction. They want you to get upset and frustrated. Its a game, and you do NOT have to play!!

I'll give you an example of the skewed mentality he exhibits. A friend of his was dying of cancer. He called me, crying, saying that it was this man's final hours, and he was headed to see him to support the family.  And WHILE I'm on the phone with him, he passes me on the road going the other direction, opposite of where he needs to be. I ask him about it and his tone changes, just like that, and the tears stop, he's fine, and states he's checking on his goats. That a few had been killed and he wants to make sure they are ok.  Well the goats had been killed several weeks prior, not recently. And his friend was on his death bed, right?  My therapist explained that a narcissist does not "feel" the way "normal" people feel. They know what society expects them to do, and the reaction that is expected during tragedy, but they do not feel the losses the same others do.  All that crying...it was for show; to elicit sympathy and respect that he was such a "good" friend. Any emotion that I thought was "genuine" during the past nine years probably wasn't.

The only part of him that is genuine is his anger. Everything else is for show.

As these things tend to do...

So, as these things tend to do, they got worse before they got better. I filed for divorce on my husband's birthday. Until we could get to court, he was able to come in the house, and he would do things like turn on a recorder and follow me around, narrating what I was doing.  One time, he got in my face (it was a common trick of his...to get real close and scream, or to come at me with his chest, and then say "but I'm not hitting  you.").  I was on the floor changing the baby, and he was so close his knee was touching me. I pushed it away, and he jumped up and yelled into his recorder, "see that?? Mommy hit me! Didn't she???" And the kids just stood there horrified because they knew darn well what they saw, and it was NOT me hitting him. But, they were confused because he was telling them to say things. This went on until court. For almost four months, when I sent my children with him, I knew he was telling them to speak into his recorder. My oldest would tell me that it made her really uncomfortable because she knew he was hiding the recorder when I'd call and he'd make them talk on speaker phone. He'd take the younger children aside and try and get them to say things.  And there was nothing I could do to protect them.  This is par for the course when divorcing a narcissist.  They will do and say ANYTHING that makes them look better, or appear to lessen the impact of their behavior. They will shamelessly use their children.

Court came a few months later, and because of this behavior, he was ordered to stay out of the house for good. It was a relief.  Before, he would sometimes come and just stand there, just because he knew how much it bothered me.  Things with his girlfriend were not good at that point. I believe they broke up, reunited, broke up...who knows. I did know when things were bad with them though because  he'd get more erratic and unpredictable with me. His lies kept coming, and at first they would really bother me because it was affecting my relationships with his family and our friends. He told them I had a "retaliatory affair," and some believed him. I did not ever cheat on him.  I never even had so much as an inappropriate or suggestive conversation with another man.  At eight months pregnant, and then with severe medical complications following Austin's birth, the very last thing on my mind was getting back at him by getting with someone else!  Nevertheless, his words to others had an impact on my world. I felt betrayed by his family...they had been my family for the past nine years, and he wouldn't allow them to talk to me.  His sister, who I once admired, sent scathing emails, requesting everything back she had ever handed down to our girls. I didn't understand. I still don't.  I hadn't done anything wrong.  I will probably never know exactly what he's told people, but I do know those bits and pieces.  It was through a heck of a lot of therapy that I learned to let it go, and just trust that the truth will come out in time. This is God's plan, and I have no choice but to roll with it.  For someone in a similar boat, my advice is to surround yourself with those that believe in you, love you, and support you. Worrying about what other people are thinking only makes things worse for YOU.  Be the person you've always been, kill them with kindness, and carry on.  (By the way, nothing angers a narcissist more than seeing you happy).

At this initial court hearing, we asked for psych evals to be completed. My point was to prove that he was a pathological liar and a narcissist.  I wanted to prove that he couldn't care for our children on any type of long-term basis. It was at this point that the children were assigned a Guardian Ad Litem as well (kids' lawyer).  If you're with someone who is playing mind games, and is particularly good at it, the GAL is essential because their only interest is the best interest of the children...they aren't on either parent's side. If you are unfamiliar with the court system, sometimes you need to request this service.  A good GAL will see through the BS and will represent the needs of your children in court.  Some judges take this recommendation very seriously, others not so much.  Its definitely worth the try though.

So because I asked for the psych eval on my husband, I had to have one done as well.  And let me tell you, it sucked. It took four hours, and I was emotionally spent afterwards. I couldn't go back to work that day. We talked about everything, from childhood to now, any traumas, any losses, everything.  I order these all the time for my clients at work, and after I'd actually been through it, I felt terrible putting them through it too.  But, it proved pretty insightful.  I'm mostly "normal," ;) with a tendency towards anxiety.  That was no surprise.  What did surprise me was the diagnosis of PTSD from the abuse. It wasnt until I laid it all out there on the table for the doctor that I realized how very bad it all was.  This is not the same form of PTSD as the soldiers who return from war, but its on the spectrum.  I have nightmares, and flashbacks.  I have triggers...especially sounds...that would cause panic attacks.  The sound of his truck, or any Ford Diesel for that matter, the sound of the basement door opening and our alarm beeping...silly things really...that would send me into a spin.  It didn't affect my day-to-day functioning...work was fine, the kids were fine...but at night, it all sort of flooded in. My hair was falling out from the stress.  My blood pressure continues to be remarkably high.

Listen to your body...sometimes even when you think you are handling things well, its trying to tell you you need help.  Its easy to look back now...all the migraines, hair loss, nightmares, heart palpitations, skin bubbles (I had a reaction to too much cortisol (stress hormone) in my body, causing bubbles on my hands and feet.  Your body tells you when you've had enough and something needs to change.

 This has gotten remarkably long, and I apologize.  Its cathartic for me to get it out, and I'm hoping that someone will find me here and realize they are not alone.

More about the permanent custody hearing later...it was a doozy!

What happened next

Surprisingly, after all the drama of Christmas Eve, the children and I had a great Christmas. I finally had to fess up to my parents about...everything. They knew we argued now and again, but they had no idea that he'd cheated on me or that he was so cruel towards me. They were incredibly supportive and the day went well.  I hadn't pressed charges because I wanted him to see the kids on Christmas, but he did not take me up on the offer.  It wasn't until about a week later that I found out why.  

Sometime between Christmas and New Years, the baby got sicker.  The pediatrician wanted to hospitalize him, but I needed someone to get the girls. I called my husband and asked him to get the kids so I could take Austin to the hospital.  He had told me he was "hunting," and couldn't get them. Our baby was sick! What did he mean he couldn't get the kids??  He screamed through the phone that "this was the life [I] chose, and to figure it out (add in a few cuss words)."  The staff at the doctors office could hear every word, he was so loud.  

We ended up not going to the hospital, my in-laws later got the girls for the night in case the baby got worse, and the baby was on close watch.  My husband, who I thought was hunting...was really on a little trip in Washington DC with his girlfriend. Yep...the same one.

About a week after New Years, I got a phone call as I was feeding the children dinner.  I knew...the second I saw "blocked call" on the caller ID...I knew.  She told me her name, and told me that she had been with my husband for the past two years.  The reason she was calling NOW was because he had just told her about Austin.  His son, who was almost 7 months old, had been kept a secret...and she was mad.  So, she wasn't telling me about their relationship to help ME, she was telling me to hurt HIM.  

At that point, the police restraint was over and he was headed home.  She told me as much as she could in 15 minutes, and when he got home, I pushed him right back out. I regret that my kids saw that. But, they did. And I dare anyone to tell me how to handle that situation any better. I had been through enough.  

Over the next three days, she spilled the entire contents of their relationship...like we were friends.  And I let her. I sat there and listened to her talk as if it weren't my husband she was talking about.  And I thank God for every second of patience I showed that woman, because she gave me information I would later need.  I sat in a Target parking lot, nursing my son, listening to her describe the love he showered her with. It was excruciating.  I found out they had taken numerous trips together, that they'd even been to Disney World.  (He's never taken me anywhere...not even a honeymoon...and our kids have never been to Disney).  They went on ski trips, weekday and weekend trips, you name it. All the time I thought he was traveling for work.  And every Saturday night when he was "coyote hunting?" He was with her. And every night after work when he was "working late," he was with her.  At one point we sat down with calendars and could correspond the days they were fighting with the days he was trying harder to be nice to me. 

He had her in my home, in my bed. That vacation I posted with the beach pictures? During that trip, she was in my home, and she recalled no evidence of our son. He had hidden all the pictures, baby toys, and equipment and locked it in his room. 

She had been in my home while my children were asleep upstairs. There were no boundaries to his selfishness, his needs, his wants. He tortured me for years...not wanting me to leave but treating me like dirt, all the while he was with her on the side. He'd go from our therapy sessions, to sessions with her and her counselor. There were no limits to his deceit, his betrayal.  I have no idea how much money he spent, or where he got it, but God knows he spent a fortune.  

As painful as it was to learn all these things (and this is just the beginning), I will be forever grateful that she had the nerve to call me, even if she was being self-serving.  My fears, my doubts, my suspicions were all true. I wasn't crazy. I DID hear him talking on the phone with someone in the middle of the night. I DID catch him lying. MY INSTINCT WAS RIGHT.  

I also learned, I'm not dealing with a typical, "normal" man who's made a mistake. I'm married to a narcissist. He is incapable of feeling empathy, he is incapable of genuinely loving anyone. He loves things, he loves power and control. He will never truly be happy. It took a lot of therapy for me to begin to understand that.  All the "how could he's?" and "whys?" were eating me alive, and finally my therapist just said...you will never understand because its not who you are. He will always be this way. Narcissists can not be cured. They are their own worst enemy. 

And divorcing a narcissist...is pure hell. 

Therapy

Its been a year since my last post...so much has changed.  I guess I'll start by saying thank God that I'm not where I was a year ago, or even six months ago.  I didn't realize anyone had read the blog since my last post, so I apologize for not responding. Anne, thank you for your nomination...I didnt know it was there! ;)  I wrote that post, and then over the next two months, what I thought couldn't get worse, got much much so, and I stopped writing altogether.

Yesterday I got a letter from the IRS saying I was being audited because both my husband and I claimed our children on our taxes, which we filed separately.  It was just another blow in the "year from hell."  So while I couldn't sleep last night, I started looking up other women's blogs...its helped in the past to find women who've gone through this,  and shockingly I stumbled on my own...and realized that people were actually reading it. So, here we are.  I've decided to share whats happened in the hopes that another woman or mother can read what I've been through, and not feel so alone. If it weren't for those other women that I "bonded" with during my sleepless nights, I'm not so sure I'd be where I am today.  Seeing they survived their situations, and even came out better for it, and with a positive attitude, helped so tremendously I cant even describe it.

So, I guess the best place to start is the...middle...
We got up to October last year.  The time between then and Christmas was a nightmare. He had stopped going to marriage counseling, I was still confused. When I mentioned leaving, he would either threaten me, or beg me not to leave. And then on Christmas Eve, everything came to a screeching halt, and I knew everything...our lives together...was over forever.

That day, he was incredibly irritated, for no reason that I could figure out.  He was just nasty...name calling, fussing, cursing...for nothing. I had decided to take the kids and leave for the day because this wasnt good for them to see. As I tried to leave, he blocked the driveway. When he did let me pass, he followed me, during which time I called his father and told him what was happening.  At some point, he disappeared, and I thought it was safe to go home. I was wrong. He must have been watching from somewhere because he blocked me again. (I know, it was stupid to go home!) This time I took out my phone to take a picture of him and when he saw that, he moved. The kids and I spent the day at his parents house. I knew we'd be safe there, even if he showed up.

He called incessantly that day, but I refused to talk to him. After months and months of this drama, I refused to entertain it on Christmas Eve.  About halfway through the day, the baby (who was already sick), started getting worse, and I needed to take him to urgent care (he had pneumonia).  I texted him to let him know where we were, and that we'd be home in time for dinner. We got home, and, no husband. For hours, nothing. The kids and I ate, decorated the Christmas ornaments we had made earlier in the week, and I tucked them into bed.

And then he came home.  And he was very very angry.  He stormed into the house, screaming at me, throwing things, cussing...all in front of the kids who had just been tucked in and were ready for Santa to arrive. I was holding the baby, and he was throwing things at both of us.  I took the baby downstairs so the older children wouldn't see what was happening, and hoping that the sight of his infant would calm him down.  It didn't. He ranted and screamed, over and over telling me this would be a Christmas I would never forget.  I remember just praying that we would survive the night. He's raged before, but this was different. This was unfiltered, uncontrolled, and purposeful rage.  At one point, he had blocked the baby and I into the kitchen. I reached behind me for the phone, but he had taken them all off the hook. I couldn't call for help. The panic I felt in my heart at that moment, holding my baby boy, knowing my girls were listening and scared and I couldnt be with them...it was a feeling I will never forget. Somehow, purely by the grace of God, his attention turned for a minute.  It was just long enough for me to get past him and to the panic button for our house alarm that I slept with every night. He chased me up the stairs, knowing full well what I was about to do.

There was a moment, where time stood still, when I had the button in my hand and he was looking at me, almost daring me to touch it. I had never called the police before.  I had flagged them down in the past (cant remember if I blogged about that one), but I had never called them to our home. He didn't think I would do it. But I did. It was literally the most empowering moment I've felt in our marriage. I had no idea what was to come in the following months, but for that moment, I felt stronger than I've ever felt.

He left the house, and I waited for the police. It was then, those seven minutes or so, that I lost it. I had been holding my son for hours at that point. My arm burnt so badly from the strain, but I wasn't putting him down. Seeing the police lights in my driveway was THE biggest relief I'd felt in a long long time. Finally, someone will know. Finally, he will be held responsible (not for the affair, but for the abuse).  I hadn't had a chance to check on the girls before the police arrived. I was hysterical downstairs and just hadn't gone up yet. One of the officers went upstairs to talk to them, and thankfully, he was so gentle and kind with them, that it eased their fears.  As the police were documenting what happened, my husband came home. They pulled their guns on him. And I was glad and just kept thinking "how's it feel? How's it feel to be on the other side? To be told what to do? To have someone have complete control over you??"

I didn't get a protective order that night. That was a mistake. The police asked him to leave our home for ten days, and he obliged, but he was under no court order to actually stay away (I'll share what he did during that time in a different post).  But by not getting the protective order, it allowed him back into the house after that ten day period was up. Down the road, it gave his lawyer the argument that "things couldn't have been that bad if she didn't get the order."  Things WERE that bad, but it was Christmas. I wanted the kids to be able to see him at some point. I was trying to do what I thought was right, and ended up sort of screwing myself in the long run.  He had put it in my head that, "a protective order is just a piece of paper.." My advice to anyone reading this, going through something similar, is get the order. Start the paper trail that documents these events.  (For the record, prohibiting someone to get away from you or for seeking help is unlawful and I could have sent him to jail that night. The officers wanted to take him to jail that night, and its actually in the police report that I was "non-compliant" because I refused to press charges. I had NO idea....he's held me hostage numerous times in our home, and never did I realize that was against the law!)

And that was it. The day I realized it was all over, for good. What happened next, I could never have even dreamed in my worst nightmare, but that day was a total game changer. The rest, I'll write about later.

So, here we are again! I'm still a mom, social worker, craft enthusiast...but no longer a wife.  (Well, technically we are still married, but you know what I mean!)

And for those of you who have been with me since the beginning....this little nugget (and of course, his sisters) has been my peace and sanity through this year. He's grown a little, eh? :)

Update-six months post affair

Six months following the husband's affair, and honestly, it feels like day one. Everyone keeps saying it gets easier with time, but I'm getting madder and madder. There are days when I'm functioning very well, and then BAM!!!! I want to ring his neck out of nowhere.  His efforts have been a roller coaster...sometimes trying, sometimes not.  While he says he understands what I'm going through, he clearly does NOT because I never cheated on him.  He gets upset when he even thinks I'm talking to another man...and I just find that hilarious (and stupid!)  

So, while I'm learning to function and the days go on and I dont think about this ALL day, there are these moments where my emotion is so raw and aggravated that its probably not good for me to be around anyone.  Today was a day like that. I was MAD.  I mean, a mad that I havent been since I first found out.  Out of nowhere, I just became straight furious!  How DARE he put his selfish needs ahead of his family? How dare he risk the stability and happiness of FOUR kids! How dare he step outside of our marriage and this life we created?  What a fool.  What a darn fool.  I look around at our beautiful children, our beautiful land and the home we created and I just feel sick that he could be surrounded by all these blessings and yet still step out of our lives, lie to me, and betray me and our family.  

They say when people have affairs, theres a need that isnt being met by the other spouse.  I've really had to take a hard look at myself to figure out what I wasnt providing for him.  To be honest, if anyone had the right to step outside, I feel like it should have been me. He was emotionally unavailable, absorbed in his work, and very rarely helped at home or with the kids.  It was like we were roomates, but not because I wanted it like that!  I feel like he created this lousy situation, and then used it against me to have himself an affair.

Whenever he's on the phone, I immediately feel a tug in my chest...I dont trust him, even though for the most part he lets me look at his phone when I want.  I just feel this sick tugging at my heart and I hate it.  I hate that I no longer love him the way that I did, and I certainly don't respect him the way that I did. Even when things were bad, they weren't so bad that I didnt think we could recover with help.  But throw in the "deal breaker" of him cheating and I'm stuck. I dont know how to process that. I dont know how to get over it, or forgive it.  Its like he had so much nerve, so much selfishness...and maybe the fact that I would NEVER have done it to him makes it all the worse.  

Thank God for my friends...some are here in my daily life, and some I can really only talk to through emails, but I am blessed to have so much support.  They have been so patient as I've flip flopped between "stay" and "go."  I still dont know what to do.  I dont feel comfortable in my home, shared with a man who lied to me, ignored me, and pushed me aside to fulfill some need HE had... a man who went to be with another woman and then came home and snuggled with our children. Its just disgusting. 

So thats where we are today.  More good days than bad I guess, but when they are bad, they are really really bad.  I'm in a very low place during those moments, the only thing that matters are my children.  I'm trying so hard to keep their lives normal. Thankfully, he's more involved with them than he's ever been.  They are benefitting in that respect...but will it make it harder if we separate?  Its just such a mess.  

Three down!

Three months down, and I can't imagine my life without this little angel of mine. What a happy happy boy I have! He's a total chunker, but I have no idea how much he actually weighs....I just know his fat and sweet little belly pokes out of his shirts all day long!

firsts

This was a week of firsts for almost all of us.  Tuesday brought a new school year, and my first day back to work. I took a new job doing foster care for our county.  I had to send my oldest baby off to middle school and my second baby to kindergarten.  My littlest one started daycare. I was a freaking wreck.  Luckily my  new job is in the same unit, so everyone understood my emotional instability that day.  I can not believe I have two school age kids.  Honestly though, the one who took this adjustment the hardest was Aubrey.  She was so sad to see her big sister off to kindy, while she had to stay at the "baby school."  But, once she realized that BOTH her big sisters would be back at the end of the day, she did just fine. This week was so chaotic, my house is such a wreck...there was very little sleep to be had. I hope we find our groove soon because it was some hardcore scheduling.  You'll notice there are no pictures of Aubrey...that is because she cried the ENTIRE morning (we're talking like, three hours) because she didn't want her sisters to go to school.  The sentiment was sweet, but it was rough.

progression

Austin Michael
I can not believe how big he is! He's doubled his birth weight. He is an easy, happy little man!

Getaway

This past weekend we went to my parents' beach house, sans my husband. It was a nice break.  All the tension I'd been feeling and the weight I'd been living under disappeared for a few days.  The kids had a great time, and the two littles went into the ocean for the first time. Allie, my fearless one, scared the heck out of me with wave diving (she can't swim, but don't tell her that!)  All in all, it went well.  We're home now and back to the daily grind. I go back to work in two weeks, and I'm dreading handing over my baby, but I know he'll be in good hands. Allie is so excited about kindergarten she can hardly stand it...we are officially in countdown mode!